UnNews:Jihadists strike again, everyone sad
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Jihadists strike again, everyone sad
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 07:48:UTC)(
24 March 2016
Suitcase bombs were detonated at the airport terminal for U.S. airlines and at the Metro station serving the U.S. Embassy, leading national leaders to wonder whether the attack had possible geopolitical overtones. The BBC attributed the attack to the low deployment of government spy cameras in Brussels, while MSNBC lambasted the ease with which a suitcase bomber can acquire illegal handguns here. The largest of the four suitcases could not even fit inside the taxicab the jihadists used, leading Belgian officials to call for new, higher transport standards that will not frustrate travelers' plans. Apart from that, it is not clear what the attackers' goal was. Sadly, they are blown to bits, which means that society cannot listen to their grievances and promise them that the system will be more responsive to their needs in the future.
Abroad, however, the West reacted with astonishing speed. Brand-new hash-tags emerged, such as the popular #QuitBombingAlready, and thousands copypasted broken-heart animations and tweeted them to one another. Drawings of Tintin shedding tears are the newest Internet meme, although John Podhoretz, a canine personal trainer from Malibu, California, says that the real-life dog would view carnage on the sidewalk as a great new doggie treat, and without the need to "sit up" and "beg."
In the U.S. state of New Hampshire, Governor Maggie Hassan called for another statewide moment of silence, as she did after the April 2013 marathon bombing in nearby Boston, this time perhaps accompanied by a full day of private non-judgementalism.
Even President Obama interrupted Spring Break in Cuba with Raúl Castro to ask his host to "indulge" him as he spoke for just under one minute about this latest bump-in-the-road. Attorney General Loretta Young delivered a statement offering "sympathy, condolences, etcetera." (Foreigners love it when Americans try to speak their language.) Republican candidates criticized Mr. Obama for remaining at the baseball game in Havana, but the tying run was on third base, for Chrissakes. In addition, Mr. Obama felt he had not delivered sufficient apologies for the political prisoners, the lack of free speech, and the unavailability of soap and toilet paper in the United States.
Mr. Obama's adversaries in the media asked him their usual tough questions, such as whether he finds it difficult participating in an international celebration during a dire international crisis. Mr. Obama furrowed his brow, looked downward, and gave the order that American flags be lowered to half-staff — a concession he had even grudgingly granted on the recent passing of Nancy Reagan. The flag gesture required that the 31 Belgians and 3 terrorists be formally inducted into the U.S. Army, but Mr. Obama quipped that, "I still have a pen and a phone." He was only half right, as the latter was confiscated when he arrived in Cuba.
Suggesting a motive for the random violence, ISIS claimed credit for the attack, highlighting the same sleeper cell that orchestrated the attack on the Paris theater last year. However, intelligence analysts ask, as always, "Who benefits?" and their answer is that other shadowy four-letter group, UKIP, whose perennial calls have only gotten louder for Britain to exit the European Union, before breaking up into four mini-nations and eventually into hundreds of city-states. It will play into the hands of the right-wing group if Britons view Europe as a land full of transit bombings, and their own nation as a land full of something else, at least the parts that have adopted Sharia law.
- "Brussels explosions: Why has Belgium's capital been attacked?". BBC, March 23, 2016
- Amber Jamieson "Critics cry foul as Obama tries to juggle baseball and diplomacy in Cuba". The Guardian, March 23, 2016