UnNews:Jidhadist in our Midst, Now in our breakfast?
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Jidhadist in our Midst, Now in our breakfast?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 10:29:UTC)(
6 June 2008
Salem Ohio -- Nearly a month ago there was a Terroist website convincing our young minds to blow up for some man in Arabia-land named Alexender Ah, Going by the Name Al-ahh. But now we have another threat to face, Pancakes. The Beloved breakfast cake that was once %100 American (Syrup and All.) has been captured by a group of Jihadists, or terrorist for short. As all breakfast-lovers, eaters and enthusiasts know that in 2001 George Bush sold his famous Pancake factory in Paw-Paw Michigan, "I don't like Waffles! Too Sticky!" he said. however in late 2007 it was bought by a group of Islamic Investors, the realtor could not tell they were terrorists, (Probably a Liberal) and gave it to them for a steal! After months of Renovations they opened "Riyhad Pancakes" Riyhad being Terrorist for "Blow up America with our Bombs"
The people of Paw-Paw Michigan were Scared, Angry, Calm or Delight, Depending on there I.Q. and Social Class. Some left-wing hippie liberals said, "There just a business. No need to be alarmed." Good Hardworking Republic Right-Wing Americans said "DAMN ARABICS! BUNCH A TER-OR-WRISTS!!" and some others said "YEAHH! PANCAKES!" When questioned about this, President Bush said "heh, Waffles.". We also asked Presidental Canadite John Mcain, He said "When I was about 11 years old, My mother made some pancakes, with butter, and flour.... and.... eggs... and.... milks... What was it we were talking about?" Barack Obama however would not take just a few minutes out of his ever-so hectic time-plan to talk with some good honest reporters about the Issues. The Issues of course being Terrorist Pancakes. He's the Terrorist Pancake.
In the June/July Issue of Fat Man America, These terrorists pancakes were reviewed by Mike Duffy. He said "these Pancakes are... A little flat... They need more butter, buttter.... there we go okay um.... no no no! They need more Syrup! Okay... Now just add the breakfast sausages.... oohhhhh Bacons..... Mmmmm..... More Butter! okay now I just roll it all up... *garragas* pguushhh!!! Eh... I was expecting something a little more homey... 6/10." Duffy was obviously one of the Jihadists! So, we had one of our Senior Food analists try it. he said "It tastes like Awful and Anti-Jesus." The Pure American Truth.
Now, what exactly did the United states do about this? The black chick from the white house sent out 45 troops to investigate the Pancakes, Dick Cheney is looking into buying-out the Pancake company, than killing them, and takign the company and their money, and Bush is busy with the theroy of Pancakes of Mass Destruction, a Parody on the Company's Flagship pancake, "The Pancake of Mass-delicousness!". But, with all this being done, is America safe from another 9/11? if so, are we ready? My Personal beliefs, as a non-baiais reporter, is; "Sure! As long as the Gays and Liberals Don't drag us down." For Un-News, This is Patrick Thompson.