UnNews:Jews responsible for the holocaust, claims historian
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
16 January 2013
Professor Friedman Wallace, a controversial historian, is quick to point out that he is definitely not a holocaust denier. "I do not in any way doubt that 6 million or so Jews were killed during the holocaust. Neither do I deny that said Jews were executed in death camps ran by the government of the third Reich. However, recent evidence suggests that the holocaust was not perpetrated by the Nazis per say, but rather by Bolshevik Jews and half-Jews."
"Adolf Hitler was not racially or ethnic German, or even "Austrian." Even during the 1940's, it was a well known fact that we would have been classified as a half-Jew under Nazi Germany's racial laws. Recent genetic testing has confirmed Hitler's Jewish ancestry, putting to rest any speculation that he was of German stock. Additionally, the name "Hitler" is in fact a Germanized Slavic name, probably Croatian in origin. Additionally, have you ever looked at an image of Hitler? He was racially Darinic, and had not Nordic blood. He doesn't even look like an East-Baltic Prussian or Alpine Austrian, but, rather, a south Slav or Italian. The rest of the leadership of Nazi Germany also were far short of the regime's racial ideal," continued Prof. Wallace.
Prof. Wallace then gave a brief history of Hitler's early years, "Also, Hitler is known to have associated in left-socialist if not outright communist, before WWI. It is also known that Hitler had Jewish friends while living in Vienna. Do you know how Hitler first came into contact with what would become the Nazi party? He was assigned to infiltrate that organization by the Austrian government. I could list other facts, but I think my point is becoming obvious. From all we know about Hitler, before the end of WWI, he was a half-Jewish Croatian socialist. Why would such a man become the leader of a rabidly nationalistic German far-right regime? It doesn't make any sense."
"The only obvious answer is that Adolf Hitler, and probably much of the leadership of the Third Reich, was in fact a communist infiltrator, and ran Nazi Germany for the sole purpose of discrediting anti-communist governments," said Prof Wallace. "Who, benefited the most from Hitler's regime? It was clearly the USSR and communism in general. Stalin was able to occupy Eastern Europe, and Mao was able to establish a communist regime in China. The Nazi government gave the Soviet Union a convenient buggy-man for decades. Even now, almost 70 years after the holocaust, the horrors of Hitler's regime are able to mask the horrors committed by Communist governments," continued the professor.
We asked about the damage done to the Soviet Union by the German invasion, the professor was able to offer an explanation, "Do you know how many people died in Stalin's purges before the start of WWII. The war was just a convenient excuse for Stalin to liquidate his political enemies without the trouble of going through a show trial. Also, it is a well known fact that Hitler's body was never found. I believe he spent his last days in comfortable retirement in the Soviet Union."
Naturally, such bold assertions have attracted criticism. "I find these accusations offensive and patently absurd," said noted Argentine historian, Professor Jose de Mengele. "That idea that Adolf Hitler was some sort of half-Jewish Slav who was secretly working for Stalin a downright insult to my people. One of my grandfathers died at Auschwitz, when he was pushed out of a guard tower by a dirty gypsy. He sure as hell wasn't fighting for the Communists, but for the glory of the Ayran master race. The Nuremberg trials clearly proved to all the world that the holocaust was the work of German National Socialists."
"Even if the beloved Furher was a half Jew, as this kook libelously claims, he would be half something else, be it German, Slav, or whatever. Therefore, it would be absurd to give the Jews all the the deeds of Hitler," continued Pr. Mengele.
However, Wallace as able to answer such objections, "I would ask you what is Barack Obama's race? Even though he is half-white, and was raised exclusively by white people, he is still considered "black" by almost all Americans. By the same token, half-Jews are considered Jews from a racial perspective. Likewise, a Christian or Atheist Jew is still racially a Jew. In fact, half-Jews or baptized Jews are more likely to be communist than full-on Jews. The semi-Jew is both an outsider in normal society, and the Jewish community. Although he less of a societal outcast than the full-on Jew, he is also a outcast among outcasts. This separation from society is why Jews, and especially semi-Jews, tend to hold to radical, aka communistic opinions."
Pr. Mengele is unconvinced. "The idea that Nazi Germany was a puppet of Jewish communists is patently absurd. Everyone knows that the Western democracies are secretly ruled by the Rothschilds and other commie Jew bankers. Likewise, the Soviet Union was secretly ruled by the Jews until the 1950's. If you accept Wallace's crackpot conspiracy theory, then every major power was controlled by the Jews in the early 20th century. If that were true, then the Jewish One-World-Government would have been established during the 1930's. Since that didn't happen, it follows that Hitler was acting in good faith when he orchestrated the holocaust."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|