UnNews:Jews of the World: Israel Who?
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Jews of the World: Israel Who?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, April 25, 2017, 18:34:UTC)(
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1 August 2006
In a surprising announcement, Rabbi Joe Cohen, senior elder and loan shark, stated the following:
"The Elders of Zion have long been unsatisfied with the actions of the so called Zionists. I mean, look at where they chose to build their so-called promised land. Israel? Why do we need this barren piece of crap? They have no oil, no reasonable ski resorts, all sort of bearded folk surrounding them wishing to send them to Cyprus the long way. And the worst part? It's filled with Jews. I mean, we all know what happens when loads of Jews assemble together in one place. Chaos and mayhem. Death and destruction. Kreplachs and Lokshen."
"They can't even handle one simple war," adds Rabbi Cohen. "How many times do I need to tell the Zionists - YOU CANNOT HANDLE WAR! Turn to the traditional Jewish weapon - loan sharking! Establish banks all over the fakakte (Yiddish:פקאקט) Middle East and suck them dry. There's the old ways for you."
"To tell you the truth," adds Rabbi Cohen, "during the second Zionist congress my faction voted against a Jewish state in Israel. We wanted somewhere nice and cool with loads of banks around, like Switzerland! I mean, what does one need more than what they have to offer? Nice scenery? Check. Loads of Sheep? Check. Yodeling? Check. No swimming lessons? Check. The Hell with Israel I say!" concluded Rabi Cohen looking surprised with the rhyme he accidentally made up.
"We never really wanted them," commented Israeli PM Ehud Olmert. "I mean, let's be frank. It's Jews we're talking about. We don't really like Jews."