UnNews:Jet downed, Obama somewhat involved
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jet downed, Obama somewhat involved
Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!
Monday, May 25, 2015, 08:40 (UTC)
17 July 2014
But the story took on a life of its own when it was revealed by U.S. media that the flight manifest for Flight 17 included the names of 23 Americans. UnNews Senior Editor Morris Greeley stated, "I cleared Page One the moment I saw that on television. Chances are that it was the birthday of some of them, or perhaps couples on a honeymoon or a graduate flying to his first job."
U.S. President Barack Obama, raising funds in Delaware, said the incident "might be a terrible tragedy," as when a mountain collapses on dozens of people. (It might instead have been murder. Or, it might have been nothing at all.) He also opined that "the whole world is watching."
Vice President Joe Biden, generally regarded as the brains of the Administration, described the plane as having been "blown out of the sky." Mr. Biden said the U.S. was sending a team to Ukraine to help with the investigation. Which team is unknown, but it is unlikely that it will be the Washington Redskins of American football, whose nickname Mr. Obama has also called a tragedy.
Mr. Obama added, "Right now we're working to determine whether there were American citizens on board. That is our first priority," as it would be a shame to waste resources on a crisis that was not about Americans. A positive finding would mean there would be relatives of victims to meet with, another excuse for a $3,200 million emergency appropriation to hire more lawyers and judges, and perhaps even a new chance to blame John Boehner and the "sequester" for keeping Mr. Obama from preventing the "tragedy" despite saying he no longer needs a vote of Congress.
Reporters from CNN anxiously interviewed Ukrainians in the area, hoping to find persons who would express to the interviewer their relief that Mr. Obama was personally engaged, but they came up empty-handed.
- Darlene Superville and Julie Pace "US trying to determine why jet down in Ukraine". Associated Press, July 17, 2014
- Gregory Katz and Matthew Knight "Buk missile suspected in Malaysia plane disaster". Associated Press, July 17, 2014
17 July 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Update. President Obama made an executive decision to interrupt a crucial fundraising tour to speak to the nation about the Flight 17 tragedy. He stated that there was 1 American on board. (Initial network reports seem to have misread the Malaysian Airlines manifest, as the Flight 17 manifest did not list 23 Americans but something called Australians.)
Mr. Obama said the downing "should snap everybody's heads to attention" to Mr. Obama. He called for everyone to observe a cease-fire and discard their surface-to-air missiles while American investigators try to determine what happened, including politely asking Vladimir Putin what was in the jet's black box. He said he expects Europe to support the investigation, despite being dependent on Russia for the fossil fuels that America refuses to export.
In keeping with previous tragic miscommunications, American schoolchildren will be taught the name of the victim, and will also learn his aspirations for the week ahead that he will now never see, and whether he had reduced his carbon footprint.
The Dow Jones Average was in record territory after Mr. Obama's remarks.
- Julie Pace "Obama: Plane shot down by missile, 1 American dead". Associated Press, July 17, 2014