UnNews:Jesus returns from grave, traded to Jets

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Jesus returns from grave, traded to Jets

Straight talk, from straight faces

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Monday, March 19, 2018, 17:54:59 (UTC)

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9 April 2012


Jesus, pictured here in the hoodie of Turin, is back to address all your metaphysical concerns.

Bethlehem, United States -- Like clockwork pre-determined by higher powers, Jesus returned from the grave today and was immediately traded to the New York Jets, where he is expected to run as far forward as possible with a football until he is tragically crucified again sometime next year.

"With the Oracle of Delphi and Obi Wan Kenobi joining the Bears this season and Zechariah alongside William M. Branham on the Steelers, we're happy to have Jesus back from the dead and running and passing for the Jets, " explained head coach Rex Ryan while consulting a deck of Tarot cards, "although we may have hired Mel Gibson by mistake. But we're pretty confident that he's a prophet of some kind. All the winning NFL teams these days are in good favor with deities and supernatural forces, so Jesus was a natural sixth round pick."

Jesus, already controversial in the football world due to his unique ability to extract demons from wheelchair-bound miscreants before, during and after touchdowns, has been banned by the NFL from painting the entire bible on his face with a handful of mud during games. He will also be banned from turning water into alcohol and feeding the entire crowd with a single loaf of bread as it would hurt consession sales considerably.

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