UnNews:Jesus killed in more badass way than originally assumed, historians say
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Jesus killed in more badass way than originally assumed, historians say
We distort, you deride
Monday, December 5, 2016, 08:33:UTC)(
28 June 2010
Christians have forever associated Jesus Christ with a cross. This holy symbol can be found everywhere - in churches, on the outside of churches, in the hallways leading into churches, and irritating bumper stickers. However, it would appear Christians are, in fact, dead wrong about this.
Gunnar Samuelsson -- a theologian at the University of Gothenburg, author of a 400-page thesis on crucifixion in antiquity, and known for throwing a damn good crucifixion or two himself -- has new light to shed on the situation.
"Jesus may have died," says Samuelsson, "but he didn't go by getting nailed to a tree. The story of His Crucifixion has been horribly misinterpreted. It would appear that Our Lord had other Plans for His Son."
Despite his over-usage of capital letters, experts agree that Samuelsson may have a point.
"Yes," said one expert, upon being asked whether or not Samuelsson was correct about his theory that the crucifixion has been misinterpreted by many Christians, the symbol of the cross is in fact a misleading symbol that only serves to further spread misinformation into the modern era, and Jesus's death was far more interesting than getting nailed to a tree.
Not all experts agree, however; when asked about Samuelsson's theory, another expert replied, "no".
Clearly the controversy is heating up around Samuelsson's dismissal of the getting-nailed-to-a-tree theory of Christianity. A third expert chimed in with "Bollocks," but on closer inspection turned out to be a bum.
"As it happens," Samuelsson continues, slightly flustered by the many interruptions, "the original text points to Jesus not dying on a cross but in fact just being very cross, which anyone would be if they were sentenced to death, I think. You see, executions were far more improvisational during this era. He could have been torn to shreds by a mob. He might've been sentenced to death by kitten. But in truth, most evidence points to him being run over by a motorcycle.
"Motorcycle, of course, meaning a loud and obnoxious horse during those days. It was the best they could do," Samuelsson lamented.
Will this turn of events lead to motorcycles being worshipped?
"Hell yeah, man, I already worship my ride," said one biker dude when asked for comment. He then drove off into the sunset, as Pontius Pilate likely did nearly two thousand years ago. Perhaps one might even imagine him popping a wheelie as he furiously clopped away from this historic murder.