UnNews:Jesus goes on Resurrection Rampage
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Jesus goes on Resurrection Rampage
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 5, 2015, 09:17:UTC)(
13 June 2007
Jesus, Son of God, went on a resurrection rampage at 2:38pm local time in Sydney, Australia. His first victim, seventeen year old Johnson Masterson, had just finished drag racing with his friends into a pole, when he found himself surprisingly alive. "Strewth, mate. Look at the Honda. Dad's gonna kill me," Johnson commented.
Jesus' rampage continued, bringing alive others who, in general, either through personal stupidity or ironic punishment, had deserved their original fate. Mark Sherlock, weighing over 300kg, had finally suffered a well-deserved heart attack after eating six McDonalds' hamburgers, but later awoke to find himself covered in his own bile, but nevertheless alive.
"I, uuuuuuurp, am very happy to...to...urgh, sorry about the smell. What was I saying?" Mark spoke, in response to his miracle recovery.
Nowhere more prominent was the rampage felt than in the government offices at the city's centre. Various agencies had their entire staff resurrected, leading to massive downfalls in productivity.
"When the phone didn't ring from the accounting department, I think we were all happy. Now every time someone uses a pencil it has to be written down. If only someone had stopped Jesus before he got to the taxation building...if only...God help us."
Old Granny Ersaminer put a the human face of the tragedy. "We've all been praying for some kind of miricle, to put Rusty back out of his misery, but obviously that would be a little contradictory to have an anti-miracle-miracle, so I don't know why we bothered."
Rusty, so old and decrepit he could not wag his tail, looked like he could use a good brick to the head, but was very much alive.
When Jesus was finally arrested after thirty-seven victims, he struggled against his handcuffs and ranted to the press. "I'm the Son of God you f***ers. The one and only. Get these cuffs off me. F*** you pigs! F*** all pigs! I'll f*** your grandma in the a**! I'll make her a**hole bleed, you f***in' pigs! I'll be back! You can't stop me." Police were forced to tazer him at the scene before he was taken away.