UnNews:Jesus brings cremated man back from dead
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Jesus brings cremated man back from dead
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 24, 2017, 05:39:UTC)(
6 October 2010
BETHLEHEM, Israel -- In a strange turn of events, Jesus Christ -Lord, Saviour and Son of God- has performed what is now without a doubt the greatest miracle of all time. Jesus happened upon the ashes of a dead man and RESURRECTED him. Proving once and for all, beyond any doubt that there is a God and he is him. What makes the miracle even more amazing is not the fact that Jesus went so far as to resurrect ashes, but that the ashes had already been scattered!!! Many Christians are convinced that this miracle -being dubbed the miracle on ice as it took place during Winter on a frozen lake- will be the miracle to end miracles, and that any and all doubts should now be exponged from everyones mind thanks to some good, honest, empirical evidence! Some Christians are touting this as a modern day event akin to that of St. Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus. The Pope has been quoted as saying "Well if a man who goes blind for a few minutes can convert thousands, this is going to work fucking wonders". I myself have to say though, if the Christians achieved this much so far without even a shard of evidence, imagine what they're going to do now!
Jesus himself was not available for questioning as he had resumed his daily tasks of menial run of the mill miracles by the time the story broke and was somewhere in Texas helping rid a local resident of back pain by removing some weight from the resident's wallet via a televangelical ceremony.
In other news, Jehovah's Witnesses are being brought before court tomorrow to find out exactly what it is they witnessed.
Coming up: Scooby Doo and the gang investigate God's mysterious ways!
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|