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7 September 2006
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BALLYBONNAGONGDALONGDONGBONG, Australia -- Naturalist Steve Irwin, who died Monday when his heart was pierced by stingray, rose from the dead today and declared himself the long-awaited Messiah and Son of God.
The resurrection came as a surprise to many, who considered the non-Jewish Irwin more of an entertainer than the beloved and holy Messiah, returning to Earth to bring the blessed into Heaven and smite the powers of wickedness. Heated debate has begun between Jews and Christians about the meaning of this event.
Irwin, still sporting his fatal wound, is matter-of-fact about it. "I can't help if it seems unlikely to you," he commented. "That's what belief and stuff is all about, isn't it? You'd think me standing here would be enough, but some people are just hard to convince." When asked if anyone would be allowed to touch the wound Irwin declared that "blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed. And for those who have seen and still insist on more... crikey. I don't know what to do about them"
Notably, Irwin was carrying a crocodile when he emerged from the tomb. Irwin explained that the croc was the embodiment of the Egyptian crocodile god, Sobek, who protected him while he was dead and visiting the lost souls in Hell. "Came in right handy, he did," said Irwin. "I'll tell you all about it one of these days."
When asked about his plans for the future, Irwin replied that he was currently gathering an army of the righteous and looking for the Antichrist in order to do battle with him for rule over the Earth. According to the previously late naturalist, he doesn't know exactly who the person is, but he will "know the bugger when I see him."