UnNews:Jesus Christ Busts Paris Out of Jail
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Jesus Christ Busts Paris Out of Jail
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, January 22, 2017, 22:40:UTC)(
14 June 2007
Jesus sympathized with Paris, having being crucified for drunk driving. "I know what it's like to be wrongly imprisoned," Jesus said. "People didn't believe that I was the messiah. They turned on me. The same happened with Paris. She is being unjustly tortured. Seriously, I'd die without my mascara and some eyeshadow. How do you think I nailed Mary Magdalene?"
Jesus grew tired of the endless press coverage and ruthless commentary on poor Paris and decided to take action. He soared out of Heaven in a flaming chariot pulled by a thousand lions with wings of eagles and legs of stallions, sources say. "I can top that shit." Santa said. Or was it Satan? The clouds parted, trumpets sounded and the Prince of Peace was here to judge the living and the dead! Er, to bail Paris out of the slammer. He gracefully soared through the sky into Hollywood, and crumbled the walls of the prison with all of his mighty glory! As Paris so rightfully proclaimed "That's hot", she climbed aboard a magical unicorn with Jesus and they galloped down Hollywood Boulevard into the sun. And then they went clubbing.
|“||God was like, all shiny...and white and stuff...it was hot. So, like, whatever, I guess I'll, like, do something...like a charity or like a bake sale or like something...Jail, like, sucks...but, like, God is cool so like yeah it's cool I guess...but it still sucks. Like, Jesus was all like...weird at first...but he was like whatever and he was cool. Kinda like Fred Durst. Jesus is like...on ecstasy or something...So there's this really mean lesbian in the cell next to mine...||”|