UnNews:Jesse Jackson endorses McCain; Obama's lead skyrockets
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Jesse Jackson endorses McCain; Obama's lead skyrockets
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, October 28, 2016, 12:38:UTC)(
11 July 2008
WASHINGTON D.C. - In a shocking turn of events yesterday, Jesse Jackson has decided to endorse John McCain for President of the United States. Jackson decided to announce his stance yesterday on Fox News, and in the process became the first black man to leave Fox News without having his mic cut off.
"There I was, about to call him a liar and a sodomiser, and he endorsed McCain right in front of me. I was speechless, which is a first for me. How am I supposed to cut the mic of such an amazingly intelligent man like that? I have principals too, you know," said a visibly confused Bill O'Reilly.
In an extremely ironic statement, Jackson said he decided to speak out against Barack Obama after he believed Obama had been talking down to black people in churches. "That's my job," Jackson quickly added. Most of Jackson's tirade against Obama cannot be written for this article due to legal issues, however it was noted that Jackson said of Obama: "I want to cut his nuts off."
What Jackson could not have expected, is what happened following his interview; Obama's lead in the polls tripled. Obama, who was leading McCain by 5 points, is now comfortably ahead of McCain by 15% of the vote. Following this news, Obama acknowledged the controversy in a speech:
"Now I know you all have heard what Reverend Jackson said about me yesterday. Now, now, there's no need to boo. While I respect the reverend, and all he has accomplished in his great life, it is time to move on. The politics of cutting off another man's nuts is in the past. It is time for a change. So lets stand together, and say 'Put down the shears Jesse, and if you get any closer, I'll have to blow your brains out.' It is time for us to change politics. It is time for us to change America. Yes We Can! Yes We Can!"
Still, Jackson stands by his comments.
"I stand by John McCain, because John McCain represents the change that all Americans can agree with: No change at all. John McCain can redefine America, by saying 'We don't need redefining!' I'm not sure why Barack wants to change the political environment in the first place. It's gotten people like me famous, and isn't that what we all want?"
John McCain, however, is not quite as pleased by Jackson's surprising shift. While McCain has not yet commented on the controversy, one staff member close to the situation has stated that McCain has currently locked himself in his room, is punching out walls, and has launched a stream of curses rarely seen outside of New York City.