UnNews:Jeremy Forrest's colleagues make first uneasy jokes

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1 October 2012

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The cryptic note Forrest left at his mother's house.

SUSSEX, United Kingdom -- Days after 15 year old school girl Michelle Stammers was brought home safely from France, teachers at her school finally decided the time was right to make jokes about her and her 30 year old lover and former teacher Jeremy Forrest.

Forrest, who shocked the nation after he absconded with Michelle despite the severe handicap of being a mathematics teacher, had initially enjoyed something of a period of grace in the staffroom. Colleagues were thought to be too concerned about a possible tragic ending to the story to make any jokes along the following lines:

  • "I heard she's not good at long division, so he promised her he'd only split her in two."
  • "I hope she gets a bloody A* on her GCSE after this."
  • "If one police car leaves Bordeaux at 50 miles per hour, and another leaves Montpelier at 40 miles per hour, how many times can we have it off before the coppers get here?"
  • "Michelle Stammers? I bet she does after he's had his way with her."

This period of solemn decorum was broken by an anonymous teacher, thought to teach physical education, who ran into the staffroom seconds after the news broke, and, in a cod French accent, said, "Oh la la, monsieur! Zat is not 'ow you teach ze young girls.. turn 'er over, and use ze uzzer 'ole." This was greeted by stunned silence. The teacher desperately sought to reassure his colleagues, saying, "It's alright, they've found her safe and sound - and he's going to be banged up with nonces!" which led to an audible sigh of relief, and several other colleagues joining him to reenact the lovers' final moments together and their subsequent arrest.

Officially, however, the school was remaining respectful regarding the case. Headmaster Spike Leatherman said, "We're are all delighted that she has turned up safe and sound, and we will welcome her back to class as soon as she is ready." When asked if he was concerned that other teachers might now want to "have a pop at her" Leatherman said he had no comment.



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