UnNews:Jennifer Love Hewitt to wed "unintended intended"

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5 June 2013

Jlhandbeau2

Jennifer and Brian, proud parents-to-be, contemplate marriage

HURRAH FOR HOLLYWOOD, CA – Now that she is pregnant, Jennifer Love Hewitt has announced her engagement to the man who impregnated her, Brian Hallisay. He has been her “intended” all along, Hewitt said, taking issue with critics' statement that Hallisay is an “unintended fiance,” whom she is now marrying to make 'an honest woman” of herself.

“I'm already an 'honest woman,'” the ballooning actress declared. “I could have insured my breasts for $10 million each, but I didn't. I insured them for the $5 million apiece that they're truly worth.”

Asked whether becoming pregnant first and marrying second was like putting the cart before the horse, she said, “I'm not into bestiality.”

She added that she decided to see whether Hallisay was “man enough” for her before deciding to tie the knot with him. “After all,” she pointed out to Unnews reporter Lotta Lies, “I make considerably more money than he does or is likely ever to make.”

Her baby decided her upon wedding her beau. “I believe in first things first: a baby, as proof of virility, and then the wedding.”

The actress and her unintended intended met on the set of the movie Love Bites. “Between takes, we went to my trailer,” Hewitt confided. “We would have gone to his place, but he wasn't big enough a star to merit a trailer.”

“One thing led to another,” she explained, “and, the next thing we knew, it had happened: I was preggers.”

She and her fiance are “mulling over” possible names for the baby. At present, they are considering “Cunnilingus,” if it's a boy, or “Fellatio”, if it's a girl.

"Or vise-versa," Hewitt said. "We don't discriminate on the basis of gender."

“We want names that stand out,” Hallisay explained. “In Hollywood, where every Tom, Dick, and Harry is famous, it's harder and harder to come up with a name that gets notice. That's why celebrities are naming their kids shit like 'Apple,' 'Kyd,' and 'Rocket.'”

“Plus, their names designate sex acts that Brian and I particularly enjoy,” Hewitt added.

To ensure that “accidents don't happen,” Hewitt is having her tubes tied and Hallisay is undergoing chemical castration.

“One brat is enough in Hollywood,” Hewitt said, “where marriages have the life expectancy of a first-trimester abortion.”

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