UnNews:Jenner: Just call me Max
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Jenner: Just call me Max
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 16, 2018, 08:52:UTC)(
02 June 2015
LOS ANGELES, California -- Former gold medal-winning athlete and star of Keeping Up with the Kardashians Caitlyn Jenner has undergone full reconstructive surgery to become a dog, revealing his new look on the cover of Modern Dog Magazine with the caption “Call me Max”.
The Olympic decathlete, formerly known as Bruce Jenner, having only recently undergone a sex change to become Caitlyn, has now transformed herself into a male border collie/retriever-cross; and hopes to have finally found the body he is comfortable in.
Sat outside a newly-painted kennel in the Kardashian’s garden, a waggy-tailed Max said: “If I was lying in my death-basket and kept it a secret and did nothing about it, I would just be thinking I’ve spent my entire life barking up the wrong tree. The uncomfortableness of sitting there wanting to roll around in fox shit, or bury an old bone in the couch never leaves me.”
Max is the first to undergo canine reconstructive surgery in the world. After ten hours of painful body canineism, he did suffer panic attacks, hardly surprising after such major reconstruction. However, Max was handed over to Cesar Millan for a programme of rehabilitation, before taking the final step in the transformation from the Kardishian’s father, to mother, to family pet.
“Cesar was great”, Max barked, “I have always been confused with my species identity. Cesar got me out of that by taking a calm-assertive demeanour, and hitting me with a bit of wood when the cameras were turned off. He also got me doing dog agility and said I had enormous potential. Cesar has made Kourtney and Kylie promise to take me every Monday evening.”
Scratching his ear with his hind leg, Max continued: “The dream of Dog agility was the lifelong draw that took me to the pinnacle of human agility all those years ago. Dog agility is much more fun than decathlon. There are plenty of bitches around to sniff and every time you complete a circuit, you get a biscuit. When it’s my turn, I get so excited I bark all the way round – the Olympic committee never allowed me to do that.”
- Nick Allen "Bruce Jenner introduces herself as Caitlyn in first picture on Vanity Fair cover". Telegraph, June 02, 2015