UnNews:Jehovah's Witnesses to 'update' Matt Damon film

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20 February 2013

Bible and gun

What Jason Bourne finds in his safety deposit box in the new film.

BROOKLYN, New York -- A meeting of Jehovah’s witnesses elders has granted funding to commission a remake of the 2002 thriller classic ‘The Bourne Identity’. The new story, to be co-directed by veteran Steven Spielberg and first-timer Arnold Schwarzenegger, will centre on the adventures of a newly converted Jehovah’s Witness who, after being shot and left for dead in the font during his baptism, experiences profound amnesia.

Pursued by unknown assailants, the witness must use all his skills from a sinful past he has left behind, just to stay alive. Some critics have suggested this latest move is little more than an attempt to divert attention away from the appalling performance of their last two films, ‘Avengers of the Lord Assemble’ and ‘Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Now!’, but a spokesman for the elders was quoted as saying: “It is part of our duty as an evangelical church to spread the word of God, and these films are a way of doing that. We think we are missing an important demographic with our current doorstep evangelism programme, and we hope that our latest film convinces more people in that crucial 1-100 age range to convert. Oh, and did I mention conversion comes with a free ticket to heaven when Judgement Day comes in a week’s time?” When asked about the controversy over the actual content of the film, he replied, “Well, although we generally disapprove of wanton violence, we decided to include a little bit to bring in the crowds. We’ve made sure that only sinners are killed by the protagonist, and of course no animals were harmed during filming. As for the scene where Bourne blows up the blood donor clinic; that’s essential to the moral message of the film, we can’t cut it out.”

Already several potential candidates have been suggested for the lead role, however, with a proposed budget of only £1,350,000 it seems unlikely many famous actors will be involved. The low paycheques on offer aren’t helped by the fact that most Hollywood actors will be unavailable, due to filming clashing with the Scientologist’s new film. There is, however, no shortage of enthusiastic young Witnesses eager to participate, and though most of them have a lot more keenness than genuine acting ability, auditions will be held sometime next month. According to the Jehovah’s Witnesses main website, all God-fearing, devout non-sinners are welcome to apply. A thorough knowledge of Leviticus will save time learning lines, but is not essential.

The Bourne-Again Epiphany is scheduled to be released in late autumn this year.

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