Jeb vows to pick a weird veep

Straight talk, from straight faces

UnNews Logo Potato
Monday, July 16, 2018, 18:37:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

2 December 2015


Bush would not dismiss speculation that he himself is transsexual or a woman.

WATERLOO, Iowa -- U.S. Presidential candidate Jeb Bush let it slip that his selection of a running mate will shock the nation.

At a campaign meeting here, Mr. Bush said, "Should I be elected president, I would have my vice president — I think she will be a great partner."

Campaign consultant Karl Rove was bowled over. "As the Bush surname reminds the nation of eight years that made even Barack Obama seem presidential, a female running mate will remind the nation of Sarah Palin." The former Alaska governor later proved that FOX News could draw more poorly than MSNBC. But she never managed to remove all the duct tape wrapped over her mouth by John McCain's handlers.

Mr. Rove said that a female vice president will inspire America's female voters who want one of their own in a position of power. Their only alternative would be to vote Democratic and get a female President. A female vice president would crystallize the Republican Party as the go-to party for half-measures, including a kinder-and-gentler way to give everyone all the health care they want at someone else's expense, and a compassionate-conservative method of opening the borders, with a new bureaucracy to process all the immigrants who evaded the failed old bureaucracy. Mr. Rove said "this hint by Jeb should take all the wind out of Donald Trump's sails."

Republican tickets with strange bedfellows go back long before Ms. Palin. Ronald Reagan announced before the 1976 convention, where he faced certain defeat, that his veep would be Sen. Dick Sphincter, a left-wing moonbat whose selection sounded as awful as it turned out to be. However, Mr. Reagan went on to enjoy electoral success, in some other decade, and Republicans even today pin their hopes on the potential gains of losing to a really bad Democrat President, just to spite the stupid voters.

Mr. Bush, who has things to do that are way cooler than campaigning, such as his fantasy league, paused for audience laughter and continued that "I think we've reached the point I think in our country where maybe we should be a little less gender-specific about this." I think the result I think is as vague as how Mr. Bush is maybe going to deliver 4% economic growth, I think. In fact, I think that Mr. Bush's running mate I think will maybe be a gender-identity pathbreaker, such as a woman in a man's body like Sen. Mitch McConnell, Sen. Kelly Ayotte with a strap-on, or perhaps even hacksaw fan Caitlin Jenner. This will go over great on the farms of Iowa and in the factories of New Hampshire, I think.

Mr. Rove said the Bush campaign now has a direct response to Republican opponents Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, whose campaigns are aimed at Hispanics-who-will-only-vote-for-a-Hispanic, and to Dr. Ben Carson, for blacks-who-will-only-vote-for-a-black. The Bush ticket will provide unmatched appeal to women-who-will-only-vote-for-a-woman, especially one who will have no real power; along with all the Republicans who will only vote for gimmicks and platitudes.

Mr. Rove said the move leaves Hillary Clinton with no core voters except crooks who will only vote for a fellow crook. However, former candidate Mitt Romney warned that 47% of Americans are welfare cheats, and crooko-Americans are a constituency that must not be neglected. "The Republican candidate must be someone who could never have made his millions honestly," he said.

Sources Edit