Jeb surges as all others shoot selves in feet

Straight talk, from straight faces

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5 September 2015


The Republican front-runner reasserted his ability to be reassuring, vapid, and not rock the boat.

NEW YORK CITY -- Jeb Bush survived an interview on Fox News and sidestepped remarks that upstart Donald Trump has parlayed into a new campaign ad.

Fox's Martha MacCallum asked Bush, "Do you stand by that 'act of love' statement" — which Bush once used to characterize illegal entry into the United States. Bush replied, "What I stand by is the need to secure our border."

Elated Republican consultants called it proof Jeb is still on his game. Spitting a reporter's words back at her so as to appear responsive, while actually doing a segue to a completely different subject, is a key feint toward a three-pointer in the game of empty jousting with reporters. He went for the point-after by accusing his adversaries of quoting him "out of context," before doubling back in a way that showed that they had not.

Entire Bush family
George Bushes
Other Bushes

Best of all, he changed the focus to the intentions of the immigrant, proving he too can fog up the debate enough to clear the way for the Republican solution: Fixing the nation's "broken immigration system" by building a parallel one next to it, which will dispense favors to foreigners who broke the original one, staffed by the same bureaucrats who let them, and run by the same President who doesn't care, whom Republicans slam at every turn, except just before elections, when they claim they are uniquely able to "reach across the aisle" to him.

The exchange suggests that Bush may surge back above single digits and resume his role as Republican favorite.

Superdome refugees

The Walker Arena in Milwaukee will result in $3 being spent somewhere (probably cloakrooms in the Capitol) for every $1 taken from the pockets of Wisconsin taxpayers who don't follow basketball.

By comparison, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, the former front-runner, has been silent for two months as he assembles a team of high-powered political consultants. Fortunately for Walker, Mitt Romney's entire team was available for hire, having had no steady work since the 2012 debacle. They have now advised him exactly where on each fence to sit and whether his legs should be crossed or uncrossed when doing so. Walker is now set to also surge back above single digits any year now.

Walker's drop in the polls began when he promised Iowans more federal loot to keep converting the corn crop to ethanol to water down gasoline, and culminated with the signing of a bill to build a new sports arena for the Milwaukee Bucks, with 250 million bucks of state money. The Tea Party movement was aghast at the political suicide of its former darling — but, unlike Romney consultants, it has never actually issued a single press release.


UnNews political consultant Glenn Beck assures that Vice President Joe Biden (pictured) is teasing about entering the race only as a gambit to buy time for all the Republicans to finish shooting themselves in both feet, so that likable and uncorrupt Hillary Clinton can waltz to victory.

Trump — who has not jousted with MacCallum but is coming off a dicy two weeks at the hands of Megyn Kelly — continues surging in the polls despite breaking every rule in the book, such as getting in a newswoman's face just after she gets in his — and then doing the same to an authentic Hispanic.

Giving further reassurance to the Republican Party, Trump met with chairman Reince Priebus and signed a "pledge" not to doom Republicans by running a third-party campaign if Trump loses the nomination — and to support whoever/whatever Republicans nominate. All 17 Republican candidates have signed the "pledge," although Bush and Lindsey Grahamnesty chuckle uncontrollably when asked if it means they would support Trump.

The "pledge" is a staple of Republican campaigns, as it tells voters they will actually get what they voted for, next time. For Trump, however, whom the Walker crowd embraced as finally a non-politician who had a chance, appeasing moderates who are advertising that Trump is merely a politician — by signing a deal with them — is supremely political. Supporters wonder why Trump is unaware that making a pact with the Republican Party is like cutting yourself to win the heart of an emo chick: The only enduring aspect is the blood stains on the carpet.

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