UnNews:Jeb denies campaign is on the ropes

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Jeb denies campaign is on the ropes

Fake News that's honestly fake

UnNews Logo Potato
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 02:40:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

24 October 2015

Jebbers

A spot as Donald Trump's Vice President would be the cruelest cut of all, though the ego-driven zillionaire tends to look for yes-men, and Mr. Bush has decades of experience.

DANIEL ISLAND, South Carolina -- Presumptive Republican Party nominee Jeb Bush dismissed claims that cutting the pay of all his staffers means that his campaign is struggling.

“These cuts are not cuts,” said Juan Ellis Bush, in perfect harmony with the message of retiring Speaker John Boehner. Perhaps aides were promised 20% raises and are now getting only 5%, which no one can honestly call a cut. Perhaps the alleged cuts are in the bottom line of the budget for 2025, with the details, of course, left to whomever is Campaign Manager then. Campaign spokesmen said all that had happened is that staffers had been “sent out into the field to be closer to the races.” One can envision Karl Rove giving up his Washington desk and Machiavellian memoranda to pass out fliers at a Charleston diner.

Mr. Bush's remarks came days after Hillary Clinton shone during testimony in Congress about claiming that al-Qaeda's killing of an ambassador in Libya was a spontaneous uprising of peasants with rocket launchers and English-language picket signs in response to YouTube. Ms. Clinton stole the show from two dozen Republican white-collar-lawyers-turned-legislators, so convincingly that Joe Biden and two other unknowns dropped out of the Democratic race.

Mr. Bush, whose first campaign theme was 4% economic growth through unspecified policy changes, last week unveiled a plan to “repeal and replace” Obama-care with a thoroughly Republican alternative that will still give everyone as much health care as he wants for free with no unwanted side-effects. In contrast to Obama-care's notorious 2,300 pages, Mr. Bush's replacement is complete in only 2 pages — and is printed in large type.

Mr. Bush insisted, “We raised $540,000 in Detroit. No one else came close to that,” which is literally true if one excludes men wearing masks. Asked to respond to rumors the campaign is in trouble, Jebbers said exactly: “Blah, blah, blah, blah. That’s my answer: Blah, blah, blah.” He seemed pleased at his own septogrammaton — a pull-quote that would apply equally well to nearly any other question in a debate or a press conference.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects