UnNews:Jason goes to hell

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Jason goes to hell

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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20 October 2010

Jason Kane 03

A snapshot of Jason Voorhees moments before entering hell.

Fifth Circle of the Inferno, Hell -- Jason Voorhees has been found guilty of murdering Freddy Krueger countlesd times and has been sentenced to hell for an undisclosed period of time. The masked murderer shall have his soul released to the afterlife after death by baseball bat. From there, Lucifer will collect his soul and place him in the 5th circle of Hell for Wrath. Details are scarce as to what led to his capture and execution, but a possible source, Freddy Krueger had this to say:

“I followed him for some time trying to see what his motives were. I confronted him when I knew he was killing people. I'm a humanitarian you know. I love the people and I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt them.”

Keeping true to the tradition of the 5th circle of the Inferno, Jason will be forced into the river Styx to have an eternal dust-up with other known sinners of earth and the other idiots who did good deeds but St Peter was too busy snoring to care.


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