UnNews:Jason Dainter almost causes apocalypse, still clueless
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jason Dainter almost causes apocalypse, still clueless
We distort, you deride
Friday, August 18, 2017, 09:25:UTC)(
4 December 2006
Euroipods: Day 368
Heaven, Eternal Paradise of all: a hasty press conference had to be called early this morning to deal with statements made by Yahweh regarding the Euroipods affair, after his personal opinions on how to deal with the situation were accidentally leaked to his entire business email directory. The email, which somewhat controversially also reveals the secret, unspeakable name of G-d to be "Whitaker", lasts for several pages and uses inflammatory language to describe the actions of one Jason Dainter, a small-time English spam artist, against G-d's chosen people, the U's of Uncyclopedia. A brief summary of the email follows.
In the first paragraph, which it is now understood Mr Whitaker intended to be the sole paragraph, readers are invited to: "g3t c][34P XNX VGRA f1n35t r...... p1iker w4tch3z 4 l0 l0 l0 pric3z" and to also obtain stock tips and the secret knowledge of how to satisfy their partners by increasing their penis size and ejaculate volume to comical proportions no sane person would allow near them - all outstanding offers from this highly reputable trader, who, as an all-knowing deity, has the inside sc00p on all things.
Then, in the second paragraph, things take a darker turn. Mr Whitaker claims that "Jason Dainter is a poor imitation of my likeness," and that Dainter's Euroipods scheme is in fact a "barely-disguised trapezoidal-pyramid scam", "not even a ziggurat", and also the unlicensed, after-market, warranty-invalidating additions his "company" market are, in the eyes of the Almighty, "symbolically representative of postulated corruption within the EU", the body whose non-copyright emblem Dainter's "wholly effable product" utilizes without permission.
Yet is was the final paragraph that caused consternation amongst so many readers that even Whitaker's mother, Mrs. Yahweh's Mother Whitaker, is rumored to have called him demanding clarification of the issue. For the last paragraph of the email makes astounding claims, and even threats:
"This Euroipods junk is taking gullible people's money and costing them friends. Has anyone ever seen one? Do they exist? I'm omniscient, and I don't know of any. [...] ...probably come pre-loaded with a virus like that one batch from Apple did, if they ever do turn up [...] This guy is taking my customer base for a ride, is what he's doing, and he's not just making me angry, he's pissing off the U's. Sure, they're naturally funny people, and handsome why not, but they wandered in the wilderness for so damn long before they got their own state, and he's just ruining it all for everybody with his shoddy ideas of marketing [...] I'm going to spay everyone I'm so mad at this mess."
At the press conference, Whitaker appeared with two of his close friends, Jesus and Sophia, the original addressees. At first when questioned he was resolute that he would "just damn well spay you all for this", citing precedents for his being a vengeful G-d to the point of destroying anyone who dared write "God". When it was brought to his attention that his email had revealed his full name, personal email address and home phone number, he conceded his behavior had been "a little whoopsie" but maintained it swam in an ocean of pork whoopsie created by barely-literate Dainter's ham-fisted publicity attempt.
"There's a reason I forbade ham," the Almighty ruefully observed. "It's just the source of so many problems. Also it stinks. Have you noticed that? Blech."
After hours of preliminary discussions with Sophia and Jesus on the moral and legal implications of his email, Whitaker's conference heralded the following:
- Whitaker apologizes for vaporizing several towns in the Dead Sea area for calling him "God" instead of "G-d"
- Whitaker promises to make no further unsolicited emails, and to contact only those who contact him
- Whitaker promises not to spay everybody
Although many are praising Mrs Whitaker's intervention on the matter, several further issues were raised during the day, namely:
- Did Whitaker plan this as a stunt, knowing that once Dainter had the oxygen of publicity, Dainter's notoriety, gained from the incident, and his somewhat dubious business practices would make it impossible for him to sue for defamation in England and Wales over Whitaker's satirizing?
- When Sophia was asked what was holding that dress up, why did she reply "gravity"?
- Wasn't this resolved by a cigar salesman and a rodent of unusual size the day before yesterday?
- OW "Mother! I've turned the cooling unit back on. Mother!". Associated Press, December 2, 2006