This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
5 June 2010
STAPLES CENTER, LOS ANGELES, California -- The crowd at the recent LA Lakers and Boston Celtics game was in for quite a shock when the Kiss Cam hit two famous celebrities: Jason Bateman felt obligated to share a passionate kiss with a woman named Tootsie, who Bateman did not know was actually Dustin Hoffman dressed as his 1982 character in honor of the film's 28th anniversary extravaganza, which is rumored to include a Blu-ray release and IMAX blowup to 70mm. After Hoffman called his bluff, a horrified Bateman vomited uncontrollably.
"Hoffman is a sick man," he says. "He's every bit as retarded as Rain Man and Carl Bernstein combined," referring to Hoffman's characters in 1988's Rain Man and 1976's All The President's Men, respectively.
Hoffman and Bateman are both married. To women. Who were born women. And are not men in disguise. Still, there is quite a bit of speculation about the sexuality of these two actors, who met on the set of the uber-craptactular, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Not extactly the most romantic film ever made. Not exactly Hancock, either.
"This isn't what I meant when I said that I like the guy," Bateman said after vomiting for the 60th time. "And he's not my type, either. My God, I'd rather have hot sex with Larry King!" He then proceeded to vomit for the 61st time.
This recent venture into homosexuality has led to a gay witch hunt led by -- wait for it -- Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church, as if these guys weren't busy enough protesting Ronnie James Dio's funeral.
"Dustin Hoffman has desecrated some of his greatest films," Phelps says. "Films like... Rain Man, All The President's Men, Little Big Man, The Graduate, Hook, Kung Fu Panda, Meet the Fockers, Outbreak, Sleepers, Dick Tracy, Kramer vs. Kramer. And my all time favorites... Midnight Cowboy... and Ishtar."
The interviewer fled like the Plague after the final title was spoken.
The Screen Actors Guild and the major Hollywood studios -- unavailable for comment due to vomiting -- are said to be appalled by the whole ordeal. However, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have both jokingly(???) suggested that, "Bateman and Hoffman should do a cross between Midnight Cowboy and Brokeback Mountain... maybe call the film Handcocks."
The wives of the two actors did not return our calls, but we at UnNews did get comment from a police officer to threatened to arrest us if we called again. We didn't.
- Euphegenia Doubtfire "Jason Bateman and Dustin Hofman kiss at Lakers game". Huffington Post, June 4, 2010