UnNews:Jared wins Nobel Peace Prize
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Jared wins Nobel Peace Prize
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 10:56:UTC)(
9 October 2009
STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- Much of the world was in shock today as the Nobel Prize Committee issued its time-honored peace prize to none other than Jared Fogle, known to many as "the guy who lost a ton of weight eating nothing but Subway for, like, 3 years."
The Nobel Peace Prize is given to “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.”
Such a definition leaves many confused as to why exactly Jared was chosen. Keeping that in mind, the committee prepared the following statement:
"No man has done more to inspire not only Americans, but citizens of the entire world to shed those excess pounds and live healthy lives. And we all know that the true enemy to peace is not a nation, but obesity. I mean, come on, we all know that having too many fat people ruins everything, right? Yep."
Prior winners and candidates alike were confused and outraged by the surprising decision made by the committee. Al Gore went on record saying,
"I thought you had to do something important to win a Nobel Prize. After all, I invented the internet, and then discovered global warming before anyone else did, then made a cool movie about it that everyone loved because I'm so smart. But if they want to hand out these awards to any loser out there to do one lame thing, I guess the committee isn't concerned about its credibility."
President Barack Obama, whom many considered to be the front-runner to win the prize, echoed the sentiments of Mr. Gore. However, when asked what exactly the President has done himself to deserve a Nobel Peace Prize, Pres. Obama replied, "Shut yo' hatin' mouth, nigga. First. Black. President. That's all I'll eva' need."
No comment or official statement has been released by Mr. Fogle, leading some to doubt if he even knows he won, or if he's even still alive.
- Murphy, Dan "Jared surprises all, beats out Obama for peace prize". Scientologist Christian Monitor, October 09,2009