UnNews:Japanese to harpoon fat people instead of whales in effort to combat growing obesity
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Japanese to harpoon fat people instead of whales in effort to combat growing obesity
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 29, 2016, 23:01:UTC)(
17 March 2007
TOKYO, JAPAN- In an unexpected move, the Japanese Government announced today Japan would cease harvesting whales in International waters and switch to fat people. Bowing to pressure from the world's Scientific Community and environmental hippies, the Japanese Prime Minister backed down on Japan's usual defiant stance on traditional eating habits and announced a Trade Agreement with the US, UK and Australia to provide fat people for Japan's consumption. The meat, called fatsuassu - Japanese for obese flesh - is being hailed as a natural solution to obesity.
The Prime Minister commented: "Japan has tired of eating whale for over 13 centuries and killing the whales was pissing everyone off. We only ate it because you all said you didn't want us to. In comparison taste tests, consumers said they preferred fatsuassu to whale, and as a bonus, we've found fat people are easier to catch".
The Trade Agreement is seen as a step in the right direction to improving Western and Japanese relations, and a serendipidous solution to the adult obesity problem in Western Countries. McDonalds has responded to the news by creating a prize of a flight to Japan for people who succeed at Morgan Spurlock's Super Size Me diet and massage themselveswith beer throughout the month.
It is not known whether the fat people would be harpooned in the water or on land, however sources say that both will be equally fun.