UnNews:Japanese scientists resurrect tiger tyrant, anarchy ensues
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Japanese scientists resurrect tiger tyrant, anarchy ensues
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, October 27, 2016, 22:58:UTC)(
14 December 2008
ASIA - Japanese scientists have recently resurrected Ruffles, notorious for his crimes against humanity, using his DNA and brain tissue samples. For some unknown reason, they also saw it fit to make the tiger nearly invincible through genetic engineering and updating him with the latest technology. As was to be expected, Ruffles brutally murdered the scientists and set off to kill all humans on the islands of Japan:
|“||FOOLISH HUMANS! DIE! DIE! DIE!||”|
Conquering Japan in less than a day, Ruffles gathered his troops on the shore and swam to China. As he arrived in China, he witnessed how dogs had already started revolting against their former consumers.
China being another easy victory, Ruffles marched towards India. Invading it with his already vast amount of followers, supported by the Indian elephants and fellow tigers, he reduced the nation's population to an all-time low.
Ruffles is currently advancing to Geneva, Switzerland as he is planning to use the Large Hadron Collider to realize his aim for world domination. Meanwhile, animals are attacking all over the globe: Camels are trampling the Arabs. Whales and giant squids are attacking ships at sea. Pigs are making the Irish eat their shit, causing dioxin poisoning. And so on...
Interestingly, Australia has generally been left alone. When asked about this, Ruffles responded "Australia? Do people actually live there? Don't waste my time with stupid questions, bitch!" after which the reporter was eaten alive. Apparently most Australian animals are migrating to kick people's asses at more important locations.
We also have some 'good' news however, since almost all residents of China and India were wiped out, the overpopulation of the world is no longer considered a major issue. Experts also state that the recent decline in world population has eliminated just about any considerable human influence on the climate. As they see their main purpose in life being fulfilled, animal rights activists and environmentalists are growing increasingly homicidal and suicidal, attempting to kill as many humans as they can:
|“||The extinction of the human race is at hand. All that's left for us to do is to actively participate in it.||”|