UnNews:Japanese men battle "unsightly bulges"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||UnFair and UnBalanced|
1 September 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
TOKYO, JAPAN - In a country that has become more and more feminized since its loss of World War II to the Allied Powers, masculinity is increasingly denigrated. A nation of girly men, Japan disparages virility and its men seek every means short of castration of disguising, denying, or eradicating their manhood and any "outward signs" of their sex. The latest ploy that Japanese men have adopted is to wear “constrictive underwear” to flatten their genitals so that outlines of the offending organs are not visible through their slacks. Pundits criticizing the trend have labeled it The Battle of the Bulge.
The special undergarments have the opposite purpose to that of the medieval codpiece, an ornamental flap or pouch that covered the groin and called attention to the male genitals while providing, at the same time, a place for storing money and other possessions along with the family jewels.
Slimmer, trimmer cuts in suits and skin-tight trousers have made androgynous Japanese men more conscious and anxious than ever about the “unsightly bulge” of their genitals. “They want a cleaner line,” fashion designer Fuku told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “They want smooth, featureless crotches.”
Critics of the new look charge, “Our men are such sissies! They want to look like women.”
Among younger men, the restrictive underwear, available in both boxers and briefs, sells well, but some of the older men haven’t seemed to have understood that masculinity is out, androgyny in. “Men past forty are hard sells,” Fuku admitted. “They still think there’s something sexy about masculinity and virility, despite the ignominy of our loss of the war to the West.”
One of the more popular brands of the new undergarments, Nip and Tuck, not only compresses the genitals but contains a loop, or “sleeve,” as it has become known in the industry, through which the inserted penis is directed toward the rear, between the thighs. With the testes compressed and the penis projected toward the rear, the effect is a virtual elimination of any indication of masculinity or virility.
Nip and Tuck’s president, Richard (“Dick”) B. Gone, says, “Our product is guaranteed to eradicate 90 percent or more of the evidence of dreaded maleness. It’s the next-best thing to surgical castration.”
Another manufacturer of the genital-control underwear, Castration Panties, promised, “Our garments make men eunuchs without the need for messy surgery.” The line’s slogan is “Don ye now our gay apparel!”
Benjamin (“Bea”) Johnson, sporting a beehive hairdo; false eyelashes; makeup; long, painted fingernails; a black evening gown; and matching purse and heels, squealed with delight: “It’s SRS [sex-reassignment surgery] without the scalpel!”
- Lotta Lies "The second Battle of the Bulge wages war on masculinity". Instant News, 28 nanoseconds ago