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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 04:04 (UTC)
6 April 2009
TOKYO, Japan The Japanese government has decided to control the number of children you are allowed to have, like China. What smart people! China is a great country whose example we should follow, right?
Anyway, the number of children you are allowed to have if you live in Japan is zero. Yes zero. Instead the Japanese government will issue you a robot baby.
The robo-baby will mimic everything a real baby does. Screaming, crying, crawling and eventually walking! You can even breastfeed it! (Of course you have to have oil in your breasts for it to do anything)
We caught up with Prof. Minoru Asada of Japan and asked him what his opinion of the project was. “Well, babies can’t be programmed to take over people’s lives- I mean they can’t be programmed to…uh, no comment.” The Japanese government is planning to get rid of their national Soccer (football) team and replace it with a team of baby robots.
The beta testers of this project have not been seen for months. Japanese officials told UnNews that they were awarded with a free vacation for their service. When UnNews investigative reporters went to the beta tester’s homes they found the houses in shambles, a thick red liquid substance on the windows and the floor, and heard a robotic growling from inside the houses.
UnNews have also learned that schools across Japan will replace Math classes with Resistance is Futile classes instructed by these Robots. The class will teach the values of “How to work for your Supreme Robot Master?”, “How to dress while being a slave to the Robot Overlords.”, and “You are a Meatbag: Deal With It.”
The Department Manger of the project, Yuko Yokota said, “We have taken hearts and put them into the robots. Islander hearts to be exact. I mean what were we supposed to do with all the dead Islanders we had gathered after WWII. Eat them? Well we tried that for a while, but only American flesh tastes good. So we gave our robots Islander hearts.”
He then added off the record, although UnNews doesn’t care about peoples’ private matters and published them anyway: “We prayed to Buddha and he gave us souls for robots. Islander souls.” He said with a wink and a smile.
A minority object to this thinking it has to do with Japanese Emperor Akihito’s recent robotic appearance.
Astro Boy, a Japanese Cartoon Star, is said to be a leader in the robotic movement. When asked to comment he said, “Astro Boy, away!” and then ran away flapping his arms in a retarded fashion. Scientists that have helped creating the project are now thinking of doing the same things with inanimate objects.