UnNews:Japanese Horror Movies Revert Japan To Stone Age
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Japanese Horror Movies Revert Japan To Stone Age
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 27, 2016, 10:25:UTC)(
20 July 2008
Recently, all residents of Japan have shed all of their technology and homes, and now reside in caves. When asked as to why an entire country of people would destroy all of their technology, one civilian had only this to say: "We were scared shitless." He then shambled off, his eyes darting around in search of prey.
Professor Hideojima, a world-renowned scientists and sociologist, explained this cryptic comment to us in detail. "I guess it started with The Ring," he told us from his cozy rock abode. "Everyone saw that movie, and then they were scared of their TVs and VCRs. They wouldn't answer their phones, afraid of hearing a sinister voice emanating from the speaker, threatening their imminent deaths. That was the beginning, right there. Then more and more movies kept coming out. The Grudge scared us all out of house and home, and now we were on the streets. We saw Audition, and now we were scared of other people. Society as we know it was ripped apart." The Professor sobbed and tearfully finished, "We're all fucked."
Japanese families now stare out of caves at foreign visitors, hooting loudly in an attempt to intimidate others off their land. They use basic stone tools and scavenge for food in the wild.
A movie about dangerous ghosts and spirits that live in caves and kill people is in production and is expected to come out later this year, eliminating the Japanese race and their civilization entirely.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|