UnNews:Japan "trashes America," Palin says
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Japan "trashes America," Palin says
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 3, 2015, 09:04:UTC)(
9 June 2012
JUNEAU, ALASKA – “We might have expected docks, debris from buildings, and even a few wrecked automobiles,” Alaska's former governor, Sarah Palin, said, “but toilets? Condoms? Porn? It seems pretty clear to me that the Japanese are taking advantage of scientists' prediction that debris from the tsunami that struck the island nation a year ago to “toss in a lot of extra junk they don't want, don't need, or can't use.” The Statue of Liberty's reference to “your wretched refuse” doesn't apply to waste products and junk, she said.
Japanese officials are “incensed” by Palin's allegations that they would take advantage of the situation that resulted from the tsunami's destruction of much of their nation's infrastructure. “It's not as if we ordered a tidal wave to have an excuse to use the United States as our junkyard,” a spokesperson said.
Palin replied, “Like the Democrats, the Japanese don't believe that a crisis should go to waste.”
According to the former governor, one-time vice-presidential candidate and current maturing sex-symbol, “The Japanese are sneaky. They proved that with their attack on Pearl Harbor. The sudden deluge of sex toys, hypodermic syringes, and X-rated materials is no accident.”
The inundation of American coasts with “Japanese trash” is “worse than any oil spill,” Palin maintained, “or any natural disaster, excluding, perhaps, the Obama administration.”
According to David Kennedy, assistant administrator for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's National Ocean Service, “each state will be responsible for its own cleanup” and “should not expect help from either the federal or the Japanese governments. As usual, they're on their own.”
Governors of Alaska, Washington, Oregon, and California, states that are expected to bear the brunt of the invasion of floating wreckage, said such an arrangement is “unacceptable.” The governors of east-coast and land-locked states agree, however, with Kennedy that “each state should be responsible for cleaning up its own mess.”
“Hello!” Jerry (“Moonbeam”) Brown, Governor of California, declared. “It's not our mess!”
“Well, it's certainly not ours,” Sam Brownback, Governor of Kansas, contended.
So far, a metal dock, fishing gear, kerosene and gas containers, building supplies, automobiles, trucks, motorcycles, bicycles, and boxcars have made landfall, “but there's plenty more stuff where that came from,” Kennedy said. In addition to such objects and materials, animal carcasses and radioactive debris from the nuclear reactors that melted down prior to the tsunami are expected to “arrive soon.”
Animals indigenous to Japan have also arrived with the dock, and these creatures could infest American waters, spreading along the West Coast and making life difficult for native species of marine life. “Instead of eating tuna, we might be forced to dine on such Asian dishes as squid and octopus, or even dog,” Kennedy warned.
A change in cuisine is not the former Alaska governor's concern, though. “How did used baby diapers get into the mix?” Palin demanded. “That's what I'd like to know.”
She is “convinced, beyond the shadow of a doubt” that the Japanese are “bombarding us with their junk, using the United States as their dumping ground. What's worse, they're going out of their way to be offensive about it, sending us their used underwear, their perverted manga and amine, the refuse of their bordellos, and their used drug paraphernalia.”
President Obama has called Palin's claims “unfounded and extreme.” According to the president, “She's as deluded as anyone who thinks the private sector is doing fine—wait--let me change that--.” (Obama recently said that “the private sector is doing fine.”)
However, some soccer balls from The Land of the Rising Sun suggest that Palin's allegations—and her disgust—may have some basis in fact. Printed in bold letters on this “gift from the sea” were Japanese characters spelling out the message, “F*** You, Yankee Dogs!” except, in place of the three asterisks were, in this order, the letters “u,” “c,” and “k,”
“What's next?” Palin demanded. “Japanese jock straps?”