UnNews:January business round-up

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
January business round-up

The news outlet with approval higher than Congress

UnNews Logo Potato
Thursday, March 22, 2018, 23:57:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

This is an UnNews Business News Round-up. Giddy-ap, business news.

edit Airbus pesters UK to stay in EU

22 January 2014
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Boeing has followed Ford and Nissan in telling the UK that it should remain in the European Union, saying the benefits of quitting have not been proven. The car giants warned that they would have to reevaluate their status should Britain pull out, as they certainly would never do if Britain stayed in.

Airbus executive Robin Southwell said that any other plan would need to address "in a detailed and compelling manner" his company's ability to turn a profit — which, after all, is what government is for. He said that, just as companies have a duty before innovating to prove to regulators that nothing will go wrong and that no established company's business will be affected, in the case of a regional superstate that dictates the flavours of crisps and funnels money through Greece to German bankers, airtight proofs are needed before one stops doing it. "It's the same thing," he said.

British prime minister David Cameron, trailing in the polls and faced with the pro-independence UKIP, had promised a referendum on union in 2017 after renegotiating terms with the EU. Also on that ballot will be a proposal to have more Britons enter Heaven versus Hell, which will be based on talks Mr Cameron will hold with the Almighty.

edit Sources

edit Facebook to lose most of its users

22 January 2014
PRINCETON, New Jersey -- Researchers at Princeton University say the Facebook generation is about to go extinct.

A new study by two mechanical and aerospace engineers used a computer model that describes the ravaging of a host organism by a virulent, incurable virus.

The researchers used MySpace as a case study for a social network whose use spread rapidly, like a disease, and then quickly died out when a rash appeared and everyone got bored and wandered away. The computer model predicts that the price of Facebook stock NYSE:FB will hit zero and go negative in the afternoon of March 6, 2017. Aerospace Engineer Fred "Flakey" Foont said, "In the business, we call this a 'ground loop.'" He said the U.S. government financed the study, paying in Bitcoins.

UnNews senior pundit Michael Santelli said the researchers might have been wrong to use the disease model, but might instead have patterned the study after several inventions that did not immediately become passé, such as LP gas and carrots.

Told that his interviewers worked for an on-line satire news service pushing ten years old, the researchers rubbed their hands together and their eyes bugged out. UnNews explores the implications of this tonight on the televised feature, Navelism Minute.

edit Sources

edit Microsoft to let users keep data abroad

Microsoft has announced that foreign customers can keep their data in their home countries rather than the U.S. Brad Smith, Microsoft general counsel, said the giant corporation is eager to comply with foreign privacy laws.

Microsoft's gesture was immediately welcomed by privacy advocates, such as Robert Mugabe. "Zimbabweans want to be safe in the knowledge that their personal data is kept inside their own country," said the aging tyrant. There are reportedly a couple of thumbdrives in the Presidential Palace where it will fit, or perhaps they are thumbscrews. Brazil is another country where it is widely thought that sensitive personal data will be safer than it is in the United States.

Microsoft thus breaks with other Internet companies, which makes some people giddy even when it doesn't mean anything. However, a spokesman for a competitor said it would be prohibitively expensive, especially for start-ups, to have server farms in every piddling country in the world. The spokesman would not disclose his name or employer.

Microsoft said customers do not need to worry about finding out that it keeps a second copy of customer data in the United States or has given the NSA another "back door" to data no matter where the servers are. This is because Edward Snowden is still lying low.

edit Sources

Personal tools