UnNews:Jane Fonda seeks new husband
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jane Fonda seeks new husband
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 24, 2016, 18:31:UTC)(
28 January 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
WASHINGTON, D. C. - Hanoi Jane Fonda joined other former Hollywood has-beens Susan Sarandon and Sean Penn in aiding and abetting the enemy in her denunciation of the war on terrorism and her condemnation of American troops as “baby killers.” Critics questioned Fonda’s sincerity, and one of her fellow celebrities said Fonda's protest is just a ploy by which she hopes to land another rich and powerful husband.
Penn wondered whether the former actress just "wants a little more time in the limelight" now that she’s 70 years old. “In Hollywood, with rare exceptions, an actress’ career is over by the time she’s forty. Just ask Susan [Sarandon]. Jane is way past her 15 minutes of fame, but by trashing American troops, she can get a few more seconds on the celebrity clock.”
Fonda announced her retirement from acting in 1991, claiming that her acting days were behind her before contradicting herself (again) by starring in Monster-in-Law in 2005. She claims to be a Christian, but she protested against the Sermon on the Mount and, a rabid feminist, she has been an activist in a campaign to replace “God” with “Goddess,” "Father" with "Mother," “Son” with “Daughter,” and “Holy Ghost” with “Holy Ghostess.”
Besides her condemnation of American troops during the Vietnam War and, more recently, during the war in Iraq, Fonda is best known for baring her breasts in Barbarella, a science fiction movie in which she played a robotic prostitute known as Queen of the Galaxy, for which she won the Year’s Worst Actress Award. Her image has also graced the interiors of military urinals around the world.
She is also known for her serial marriages, having wed and divorced a series of successful men, including her father, Henry Fonda, director Roger Vadim, politician Tom Hayden, CNN founder and cable-television tycoon Ted Turner, and the son of God, Jesus Christ.
Her serial marriages have caused Sarandon to doubt the sincerity of Fonda’s recent anti-war posturing. “She’s a gold digger,” Sarandon said. “I think she’s using the Iraqi situation to put herself back into the spotlight, not simply because she’s vain, as Sean [Penn] thinks, although she is vain, of course, but, rather, to attract yet another wealthy, powerful mate. I hear her bank account is low on funds and that she hopes to attract the attention of George Soros. She figures if he has enough money to have kept Air America Radio on the air for a year, he has enough money to provide for her in the manner to which she’s become accustomed. Who knows, she may even outlive him. Then, she wouldn’t have to bother with a divorce to collect half his wealth.”
Unnews was unable to reach Fonda, who, according to her publicist, was on a cruise to Vietnam aboard Soros’ private yacht.