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29 January 2007
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LOS ANGELES, California - Jane Fonda has announced, through her publicist, Vernon Bell, that she has incorporated herself so she can begin to license her likeness to manufacturers who are interested in capitalizing upon her newfound notoriety as an anti-American anti-war protester.
At age 70, she insists, she still has passable looks, thanks to the talents of a team of on-call plastic surgeons.
Appearing with Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon at a recent anti-American anti-war protest, where, standing with the aid of a walker, she raised the forefinger and the third finger of her right hand in a shaky peace sign, Fonda recalled her glory years as a Vietnam War activist and said that the war on terrorism is the same as the war that George Bush fought in Vietnam during the 1960’s and the 1970’s. Her comments seemed to puzzle those protesters who were not entirely wasted on the drugs of their choice. Penn, who stood on the platform beside Fonda, allegedly whispered to her, “Jane, Bush wasn’t president back then.”
According to Bell, Fonda has exhibited some memory loss recently but has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or any other form of dementia, “mostly because we keep her away from doctors, except for her plastic surgeons.”
As a result of her unpatriotic slander of American soldiers during Vietnam, many military urinals contain rubber discs or oval or rectangular stickers upon which her image is printed. Soldiers, airmen, Marines, and sailors refer to these items as “urinal targets.”
When Fonda got word that her likeness was awash in military urine, she got the idea of incorporating herself so that she could license her likeness to manufacturers who would like to cash in on her unpopularity among the men and women in uniform who have a longstanding and increasing hatred of her. “I thought, why not allow toilet tissue companies to print my picture on their product? If Charmin is willing to issue Hanoi Jane Toilet Tissue, why shouldn’t I profit from my service to our boys and girls in uniform?”
Fonda met with product analysts for a number of national and international companies, Bell told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies, and “They came up with several ideas for potentially profitable merchandise.”
Besides the urinal targets and toilet tissue, Fonda’s likeness could be depicted on jockstraps, douche bags, condoms, enema bags, and doormats. The privilege of using her image on such products will be sold to the highest bidder.
Asked about Sean Penn’s allegation that Fonda has renewed her anti-Americanism as a ploy by which to attract left-wing billionaire George Soros , Bell said, “They’re together now, on a cruise to Vietnam aboard his private yacht. They’ve announced their engagement, but Ms. Fonda wants to make sure she has a Plan B in case he jilts her at the altar, and selling herself to the highest bidder seems a prudent strategy.”