UnNews:James Bond killed in an absurdly obscure manner
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James Bond killed in an absurdly obscure manner
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 07:27:UTC)(
5 February 2010
Supervillains everywhere are rejoicing today, following the announcement that Bond, James Bond, has finally reached his grizzly end, literally.
Details at this time are scarce, although it is believed that Mister Bond, was suspended above a pit of ravenous bears, before being lowered, ever so slowly down into it. Mister Bond, 34, who was known by many as "007". Leaves behind a generous will to his many, many, many children. Included in his estate are a vast amount of specially modified cars, several cheeky photos of Miss Moneypenny, and a Golden PP7, reportedly able to kill anyone in one shot...somehow. It is suspected that many of these items will be sold at an auction, to account for the massive debts amassed from the destruction of valuable equipment, including a satellite, and most of Fort Knox. When told about this James Bond Jr.IV had this to say: "Oh for fucks sake! What an asshole! I mean...is it too much to ask!? I just want to be able to keep some of what my dead father left me, but hes got to blow shit up so that I gotta sell it all off! What a fucking asshole!, you know what!? I'm fucking glad he's dead, I hope he enjoys hell...y'know he accidently killed a baby once?.."
It is believed that during Mister Bond's descent into the ravenous bear pit, Futile and pathetic attempts were made to shut off the machine using a sneaky dart gun, hidden in the sexy komono that Mister Bond was wearing at the time, however due to an unforseen malfunction the dart misfired, instead hitting the Alpha bear and enraging the herd even further. The manufacturer of the gadget has since admitted to Breaking the clause in Paragraph 4, section 5 of the Health and Safety at work act 1974, which clearly states that: "Any gadgets made, such as a sexy komono which fires darts, should be made to fire straight, to avoid risks of: impaling, lacerations, or angering a herd of bears by hitting the Alpha Male". The chief executive of the company Mister Q, refused to comment.
For a short time Police authorities had narrowed down the bear related killing to one Doctor Vladimir Evilstein who currently resides within a secret volcano lair, reportedly won from a scratchcard, although many of our sources couldn't give a flying fuck. The warrant for his arrest has since been called off after several dozen police personnel were killed by what witnesses are describing as "flying hat". Gladys, 84, who lives on the secret volcano lair island and witnessed the incident had this to say: "It was a fucking hat!" Clearly Bat fuck insane.
Doctor Evilstein released this statement: "Misterr Bond brought zis upon himzelf! No von in zere right minds comes into my secrret volanoe layur! All ze oter Supervillans left him to die at ze hand of some incredibleur slow death ray or somesing simileur! I sink zis vil serve as a varning to all ze otherr secrret agiunts! MWEHEHEHEHEH!".
Police are still trying to piece together what accent he has.