UnNews:Jake Johnson Sighted Walking on Water

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Jake Johnson Sighted Walking on Water

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 18:22:59 (UTC)

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19 March 2006

Sunday afternoon in the outer west valley of southern North Carolina’s eastern shoreline Jake Johnson a young Employee of McDonalds was sighted walking on water. This marvelous feat, seen by two of his closest fishing buddies, has already brought followers from all over the Big Mountain area.

“I just ain’t seen nothing like it!” exclaimed Billy Roberts one of the men who witnessed the miracle. “We where just sittin there drinking some beers an’ fishin‘,. Then Jake just walks right out there on the water. I say to Jake, what you doin’ an he just say… ‘lure got stuck had to get it.’ didn’t say nothing bout the walkin.”

Returning Billy reports that he quickly ran down to the local tavern and told all their friends about the great miracle that had taken place that afternoon. The following started quickly and soon half of the neighborhood was storming Jake’s double-wide and asking what had happened.

Later that same night Jake was able to feed hundreds of local townspeople on one Big Mac and a small fry. Brittney Mason, one of Jake’s coworkers, after receiving her portion of the Big Mac and fries exclaimed “Hallelujah!!!” at the top of her lungs before taking a large mouthful.

Jake Johnson upon a great epiphany has discovered that his miraculous abilities where given to him by Ozzie Osborne, the great god of rock and roll. His follows are already writing new hymns to popular Ozzie songs. These include songs such as “Walking Man” sung to “Iron Man”

McDonald’s as decided to endorse The Church of Jake and is already producing new collectable cups with Jake Johnson face and various slogans. These cups are set to be available next month along with a new line of catchy advertising.

Mr. Johnson died yesterday from stab wounds.

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