This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
26 March 2009
BERMONDSEY, London -- Tabloid newspapers have been reporting public calls for the housing estate where Jade Goody was born to be renamed in her honour. The estate, built in the 1960s, was originally named the Dickens Estate after the writer but was renamed the Diana Queen of Hearts Estate after the tragic death of the Princess during a collision between her Mercedes Benz and a conspiracy in a Paris tunnel back in 1997, would be likely to benefit from a full makeover if the idea was to be put into action.
"Never mind Essex, whatever country that's in anyway," says mother of four Shiraz Chaveley, who has lived in the area her whole life. "Everyone roun' ere says they knew 'er when she was a little gel, but they're all lyin'. I knew her for real and I know this is what she woulda wanted." Asked if she feels a name-change might be disrespectful to Diana, she says, "Well, that's ancient 'istory, innit? I weren't even born when that 'appened. It's about time we got with the programme and think about people what matter today."
The story began when pearly king of Bermondsey Jim Twatte started suggesting that the local authorities erected a statue in her memory on the estate. "I knew 'er and I knew 'er parents an' all," he says. "She were a lovely person, and Bermondsey could do with more Jade Goodys - not least of all 'cos if we 'ad more like 'er the BNP'd get voted in and then we'd soon send all the pakis what have moved in round here 'ome. Don't get me wrong, I ain't git nuffink against pakis, but they ain't proper Londoners. Before they moved 'ere, the young 'uns used to have a little rough n' tumble like good kids then they came and put in their 'assault laws'. Now the 'ole place reeks of curry, it does. Bring back the Kray twins, that's what I say. They was firm but they was fair and they was always good to their old mum."
Before long, people were suggesting the name change as an added mark of respect. "It'd be proper pukka if they done that," says Ms. Chaveley. "It'd be great for all the littluns an' all - about 90% of the young gels round 'ere are called Jade so it'd make 'em feel special too. But most of all, we just wanna make sure that the real Jade ain't forgotten - she was a real angel, she was, and we all loved 'er."
A group of local residents got together and came up with more ideas. "Once we got started, we couldn't stop," Mr. Twatte told UnNews. "We just kept coming up with more and more ideas and suddenly I thought, well, if Lady Di got an 'ole memorial garden named after 'er, why shouldn't our Jade 'ave on an' all? She were a princess in 'er own special way too, or she was to us lot round 'ere anyway. A lot of us felt a bit gutted when she went off to live in a big 'ouse out in Epping Forest once she 'ad a few quid, but we realise now she were always with us in our 'earts. So we came up with a plan to redesign the 'ole bloomin' estate in 'er honour."
If the plans are approved, they will usher in a new generation of redevelopment for the neglected area. The first step would be to establish a Jade Goody memorial fast food shop, which would specialise in the greasy doner kebabs Jade was known to love and would supply knives and forks with each one sold in order to allow residents to consume their purchases in a civilised English way rather than being forced to eat with their hands, like animals and filthy foreign types such as Shilpa Shetty do. The next stage would be a multi-million pound beautification project, which would include building a shrine to house a section of wall which bears graffiti commemorating the reality TV star. Finally, a fountain would be built, possibly according to a design by residents which features golden Staffordshire bull terriers with Lambrini sparkling wine - which is currently on special offer in the local shop at just £1 per litre - pouring from their mouths and the logos of several clothing manufacturers such as Nike, Adidas and Burberry - the latter has expressed reluctance to become involved, but local market trader "Dodgy" Dave Dawkins has offered to produce a copy that he says will be indistinguishable from the real thing.
UnNews wondered how local residents felt about turning their backs on Charles Dickens, who gave his name to the estate and after whose works many of the towerblocks situated within it are named - such as Pickwick House, where Jade was born. "Oo's that then?" asked one particularly boot-faced harridan as she smoked three Superkings simultaneously. Our reporter explained that he was a very well-known author, the writer of - amongst a great many other fine works of literature - Oliver Twist. "Aw, I know what e's on about," she exclaimed to her friends. "'E means that Lionel Bart bloke, that kike what wrote that musical Oliver! Get yer facts right, mate, and we might know what yer goin' on about."