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22 March 2009
LONDON, England -- The management of recently deceased reality TV star, Jade Goody, have announced that the exclusive reporting rights to her memorial service have been sold to celebrity gossip magazine, Hello. Her publicist, Max Profitt, made the announcement at a packed press conference shortly after Jade's tragic death, from cervical cancer, at the age of 27.
“Jade was a courageous woman right to the end”, said Max. “She naturally wants the best for her boys, and so it's only right that her passing is properly recorded. We had received many offers prior to her untimely death, but ultimately Hello offered the deal which most accurately reflected our needs.”
“I personally deeply regret her death”, added multi-millionaire Max, “But in her short life she achieved much, and I am personally very grateful for the time I have spent representing her interests. She only wanted what was best for her boys", he added, "And I count myself very lucky to have been considered part of her very special family."
Following the announcement of Goody losing her battle, tributes poured in from across the country, led by a statement from Prime Minister Gordon Brown who hailed her a “courageous woman” and claimed to be “deeply saddened” by the news. Prime Minister Brown, who currently trails in the polls, confirmed that Goody had been a role model to all women for many years, and he hoped that his grief in her passing would serve as a warning to all who were considering electing a public-school educated minister in the future.
The editors of Hello were not available for comment, as they were reported to be “downing shots of tequila” in remembrance, but one drunken sub-editor did confirm that the issue featuring Goody's funeral would be entitled “Goodbye” and would double its print run in respect. “She was a courageous woman”, he added, before passing out in a pool of vomit in the toilet.
Being a well known philanthropist it was Jade's dying wish that all moneys generated by the publicity of her funeral be given to charities fighting cancer.
Goody's husband, Jack Tweed, was unavailable for comment, as he had already received the maximum number of visitors for the day.