UnNews:Jacques Chirac retreats

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Jacques Chirac retreats

Straight talk, from straight faces

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17 March 2007

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Chirac white flag

Chirac fans away the tears. Knowing the next time he makes an ass of himself there'll be no microphones.

PARIS, France -- President of France, Jacques Chirac, has announced that he is retreating from political life, as he'd like to spend more time being an asshole solely with his family, instead of having them endure his fucktardiness with the world at large.

French surrender

French 'men' line up to wave 'au revoir' to President Chirac

While some have suggested that he's tired of constantly making up reasons for his country's wimpy, 'lac de sac' (meaning a pronounced lack balls) nature, he was quick to point out that it was actually the success of the French 2002 World Cup Champions which alerted him that the time to retreat was soon. Chirac announced, "Les world press thought I would be upset with losing la 2012 Olympics to those fucking English pig dogs, but actually, as a Frenchman it was perhaps my greatest source of pride. Sure l'only thing les English have ever done for European agriculture is mad cow...We can't trust people who have such bad food. After Finland, it's the country with la worst food. But if it wasn't for those English fucks, I'd be speaking to you in German."

Chirac continued, "It was far more difficult when les mens win le World Cup in 2002. We French do not like winners or champions. It is why we detest les Americans Imperialist swine. I could see that maybe in le future that perhaps my country could lose it's honor in being le premiere nation in quitting and claiming defeat. I can not live in such dishonor."

While the President would not announce to where he will retreat, German authorities told UnNews on the condition of anonymity, that he has notified them that he will surrender to their authority by the end of this year.

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For those obsessed with so-called-experts, Wikipedia has an article about:
Jacques Chirac.
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