UnNews:Jack Lalanne, ready to be boxed
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Jack Lalanne, ready to be boxed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 20, 2017, 17:55:UTC)(
8 March 2007
LEWISTON, Maine - 91-year-old Roland Fortin has laid down a challenge, he wants to box famous fitness guru Jack LaLanne, who's 92. Fortin is looking to pummel the Health Legend in a four round bout. The Challenge was the idea of retired boxing champ Joey Gamache, who now operates the Tropical Gym in Pompano Beach, Florida. Fortin was Gamache’s “cut man” during his boxing days and still works out at the gym during the winter in Florida.
When interviewed, Gamache told Unnews the following, “Fortins Alzheimers is pretty bad, so it only took about five minutes to convince him it was his own idea. Besides he has always hated LaLanne, he's been holding a grudge ever since a sand kicking incident at Coney Island in the mid 40’s. And let me tell you, this idea has really paid off. Once word of the match spread, the Seniors Memberships to the Gym more than doubled. And the best part is, most of them join by credit card over the phone and don’t even have the strength to get here.”
When asked about the fight, Fortin seemed ready to go,"Florida is like the line at the Deli, but instead of waiting for cold cuts, we are waiting to die." Fortin said “and even though I’m holding number 87, I still got enough time left to kick some LaLanne butt”
When contacted by Unnews, the Lalanne camp seemed shocked. “That's the stupidest thing I ever heard”, said Liz Cardenas, Lalanne’s spokeswoman, “Jack doesn’t fight people, he just sells juicers now, He’s friggin ancient for Gods sake. We have to pump him full of all kinds of illegal stimulants just to do the public appearances.”
Gamache is undeterred, he offered the match to promoter Don King, hoping he might set it up. King was unavailabe for comment, but sources who were present when King took Gamaches call quoted King as saying, “Two 90 year old white boys duking it out? I think Gamache took too many left hooks. Tell him to call the producers of Jackass 3."