UnNews:Jack Black Vs. Jack White: The Jack-Off

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Jack Black Vs. Jack White: The Jack-Off

The news outlet with approval higher than Congress

UnNews Logo Potato
Wednesday, August 23, 2017, 17:26:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

11 December 2006


Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Blackwhite

Jack Black (right) is ready to kick Jack White's ass, or not.

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- Actor Jack Black agreed to meet musician Jack White in a no-holds-barred death match to settle their differences over which of them is the more sickly.

"Oh, I'm going to lose," bragged White today at the press conference to announce the matchup. "I don't sleep. I smoke two packs a day, shoot way too much heroin, and I haven't seen sunshine in weeks. He's gonna break me like chopsticks."

"Who does he think he's kidding?" Black fired right back, "I drink so much my liver's the size of a Butterball turkey. I'm four pounds from being clinically obese. Unless my heart blows out as I climb into the ring, one hit and I'm gonna pop like a kitten in the microwave."

Most commentators agree that White has the health advantage over Black, but his hopes were still high for the outcome of the fight.

"I've been sickly for a long time and I dated Renée Zellweger." Boasted White. "There's just no way I'm going to win."

edit Sources

UnNews Logo Potato
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
Personal tools
projects