UnNews:Jack Bauer arrests screenwriters

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5 March 2010

Bauerwall

Jack Bauer after arresting and incarcerating 24’s screenwriters.

HOLLYWOOD, California -- UnNews has just learned from celebrity rag, TMZ, that actor Kiefer Sutherland, who is the World's highest paid actor for his awesome portrayal of super-human, super-patriot, and super-killer, CTU/FBI/PRESIDENTIAL Agent Jack Bauer, has arrested and filed a criminal case against the screenwriters of the popular FOX TV fantasy, "24".

In the suit Sutherland accuses the Screenwriters of the following charges:

  1. Aiding and abetting
  2. Obstructing justice
  3. Terrorism
  4. Being traitorous bastards

Bauer (Sutherland) had a moment to tell UnNews, “24's Script Writers Suck!”

TMZ reporter, Stan Shirley, told UnNews, “He DOES have a point! Like, imagine that Jack Bauer is easily over-powered by a single bad guy, thrown down a set of stairs and cracks a rib! Right? Sure, and a bear shits in the bathroom, the Pope is a Mormon, the ocean holds-back New Orleans, and Moby Dick drowned!”

Shirley continued, “Jack Bauer might be immune to Kriptonite, but he is a sitting duck for 24's dumb-ass screen writers, who take morbid pleasure in putting blockades to trip-up Jack's best laid plans. One minute Jack has it all together, then, SHIT! The goddamn screenwriters display their own biased ignorance by getting in Jack's way."

Shirley, clearly getting emotional, continued, “Take, for example: After 11 episodes of chasing, Jack finally has the Terrorist leader in hand, then the stupid script-writers send the FBI to arrest Jack over some protocol BS, and Osama gets away. Jeez! Whose side are they on, anyway?

“If the screen-writers, and everyone else, would get the hell out of Jack Bauer's way the sooner we can all go home, safe and sound.“

Yesterday Movie-star Sutherland also instigated a campaign to raise twenty million signatures to, "kick the bums out!" Sutherland told TMZ Magazine that the screenwriters on 24 were, "Jack Bauer's biggest headache!" He called them, "traitors and morons" and said they were the "real bad guys behind everything".

Like terrorist Abu Fayed is just an innocent made-up character, but the screenwriters are REAL PEOPLE. Who are you going to blame for all these mistakes and terror-attacks? A make-believe character or a real person?

So far on the first day Sutherland has only collected 60 million signatures from around the World - but the gap is closing fast... only minus forty million left to go.

UnNews More updates to follow…

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