UnNews:Jack Abramoff admits to taking money from Jack Abramoff
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
7 June 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
WASHINGTON DC -- Jack Abramoff, six months after pleading guilty to corruption, embezzlement and bribery charges, admitted today in a press conference that he did indeed take money from Jack Abramoff.
"I figured I really ought to come clean," Abramoff said. "My conscience has been killing me these past few months. I think it's best to admit to absolutely everything I have done wrong. Except for that hooker I killed."
Based on the sheer mass of items bought with Abramoff's money, Abramoff appears to be one of Abramoff's biggest clients. In one instance, Abramoff was authorized to make a direct withdrawal from Abramoff's account, using the cash to purchase a video iPod. Apperently in return, Abramoff wrote a check for $2,000 and made a donation to the Republican party in Abramoff's name. In another instance, Abramoff allowed Abramoff use of his personal credit card, with which Abramoff bought a car and Abramoff's wife a necklace valued at $5,000.
All of this information is available in Jack Abramoff's personal financial records, made public today.
The infamous political lobbyist is already embroiled in scandal and is yet to begin a five year, ten month prison term. He is currently free to testify in a series of "Say No to Bribery" public service announcements aimed at at-risk privately-educated kids. It remains to be seen how this news will effect him legally and professionally.
"This sort of throws out everything previously thought about Jack Abramoff," political analyst Jim Smith said. "What he did before was bad, but giving somebody a nice chaise lounge and a $8,000 Ottoman? That's just sick."
"Professionally, I think this could do wonders for his career," entertainment columnist Glitter Whitley said. "I mean, look at Tookie Williams. He was an aspiring writer, but got nowhere until he knocked over a 7-11 and popped several caps in some Bloods. His writing career flourished, and he made a bucketload off of his anti-gang series. Not to mention the Nobel nomination. I can certainly see Ol' Jack getting a movie deal out of this."
It remains to be seen how this news will affect Washington, as well as the upcoming midterm elections.