UnNews:JSDF recruits a goth loli, a schoolgirl and an idol singer in new special task force
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JSDF recruits a goth loli, a schoolgirl and an idol singer in new special task force
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 17:11:UTC)(
16 March 2009
The girls are ready.
They are the new special task force set up by Japan Self-Defense Forces as part of their impressive military "Power-up Program" that will progress over the coming months in response to the on-going global recession. The task force, code-named "MOE'S TAVERN", consists of just three girls of Japanese descent: a gothic lolita, a Japanese schoolgirl and an idol singer.
Unveiled last Thursday before a crowd of sweaty otakus, the Japanese defense force demonstrated the girls' immense power by the simple fact that they weren't altogether raped there and then. In fact, every person was quickly subject to every word administered by MOE, and the otakus promptly went off to get actual jobs and move out of their parents' home.
"Now you can see what great power these three girls have desu," said Tsutomu Nakagawa, the head of the cultural affairs division at the Foreign Ministry. "We fight this recession desu! First Japan, then the world desu!!"
When asked by foreign media, who were also present at the presentation, why a goth loli and a schoolgirl and an idol, and what is a goth loli anyway; Nakagawa replied, "Because they kawaii desu~! You stupid foreign devil desu!!" And for some strange reason, the European section of the media uncontrollably raped the man in a fit of encutenness.
Despite putting the girls on show, the JSDF are keeping the lid on a lot of the details concerning the girls such that we at UnNews are unable to even give you their names. However, from what little data had been released, the following can be revealed: The gothic lolita was born on June 17, is 156 cm tall, has blood type O, has BWH measurements 88/71/98 and likes eating banana fritters; the schoolgirl was born on December 24, is 167 cm tall, has blood type AB, has BWH measurements 79/56/82 and hates swimming in bikinis (prefering the more conservative mizugi issued in middle schools); and the idol was born on February 28, is 154 cm tall, has blood type B, has BWH measurements 79/56/82 and likes explosives.
The idea for a special task force composed of cutely dressed girls was spawned by none other than the President of Japan, Taro Aso, who is himself a manga fan, and was inspired by a real-life chibi Asian president. He builds upon the long tradition of the JSDF for super-advance forces including the Mecha Division, the Ninja Infantry and the Lunar Navy. As part of their Power-up Program, a Pokémon Squad is expected to be unveiled in June.