UnNews:JIF sues Wonka
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
January 5, 2006
Lexington, KY, Thursday. The J.M. Smucker Company sued Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, Warner Bros. pictures, Borg-Warner, the Roald Dahl Estate, Gene Wilder, Mean Gene and Mr. Green Jeans for a share in the losses from the flop - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, on behalf of JIF peanut butter. In the suit, Smucker claims the story line of the Burton/Depp movie and the Dahl book of the same name was stolen from that of its Lexington based peanut butter: JIF.
JIF produces more peanut butter in its mysterious factory than any other peanut butter factory in the world. Unlike the other factories, no one has gone in or out of the shuttered factory since J. I. Farnsworth sold the brand to Proctor and Gamble in the 1950s. Farnsworth kept the production rights and the secret formula for JIF. Every week trains roll up to the shuttered plant and tons of peanuts are off-loaded by machine. Later in the week jars and jars of peanut butter reverse the process. P&G later resold the brand to JM Smucker.
During the great "right to work" crisis in the 1950s, the entire plant staff was laid off. Quietly in the dark of night, a moonbow appeared over the factory. One of the last to leave, claimed little green men descended the moonbow singing an Irish Lullaby.
These "Toora Loorahs" as they have become to be called are alleged to be the inspiration for the Oompa Loompas of the Chocolate story. Smucker had previously sued Keebler and lost.
JIF is hugely profitable, and Smucker would like to carry over some of the losses from from the Burton/Depp project to help cut its tax burden. Spokesman for Mr. Farnsworth simply said "One, two, three ... Crack". It should be noted he was eating a Tootsie-Roll Pop at the time. The defendants are certain of sure victory. Hollywood accounting rules, rarely show losses until well after the ancillary rights of a movie are exhausted.