UnNews:JFK was Doctor Who!
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
27 November 2013
"It was staring everybody in the face for 50 years," Cooper excitedly blurted at the beginning of his report, "but it was only when I thought 'JFK was "killed" the day before Doctor Who's debut, and since Dr. Who rejuvenates from the last body he occupied, JFK must have been The Doctor!'"
Cooper checked his theory by calling JFK's daughter, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, to put it to her directly. "Caroline, was your dad Doctor Who?". Caroline confirmed Cooper's suspicion by saying "What? Yes, yeah, okay, he was Doctor Who. For Christ's sake, Anderson, can you get more delus...." at which point Cooper hung up and ran to break the story.
"What made me a believer was that the world thinks Kennedy was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald when he was actually transcended by Clara Oswald," said a giddy Cooper. "Their last names are virtually identical, and they each have first names with two vowels and an L!"
Clara Oswin Oswald, arguably The Doctor's most important companion and the one who has been with him forever, bears a striking resemblance to Lee Harvey Oswald, according to Cooper. "Both are small of stature, both have innocent looking faces and arms, and where Lee was an American defector to the Soviet Union, Clara is a member of the Actor's Union!"
While President Kennedy's body was thought to have been tested, prodded, and poked after death, Cooper has ascertained from studying the seldom-seen Zapruder film that the body in the limo in Dallas was not the same body taken into Parkland Hospital, but was actually that of a homeless man named Steve or "Buddy" who was accidently swept up into the motorcade as it sped to Parkland.
"Jackie Kennedy knew of her husband's identify from the start," Cooper has learned somewhere, "and she was fine with the fact that Marilyn Monroe was The Doctor's companion during the 1950s and early '60s."
The Doctor and Marilyn averted nuclear war during the Cuban Missile Crisis, returned Camelot to Earth, put the world on track to go to the moon and do the other things, initiated the Peace Corps and the 1964 Civil Rights Act, inspired 50-mile hikes, judged a book by its cover, and gave voice to the poorly accented people of Boston.
"No doubt JFK was not surprised to be assassinated in Dallas, and then to awaken as an old grey-haired man in London," Cooper thought out loud to a national audience, "He easily brushed himself off and went in search of more adventure. Confirming this newly invented factual information also greatly expands the field of suspects in the now not-so-tragic Kennedy assassination."
"I'm going to petition Arlington National Cemetery to exhume the homeless man's body and give it a proper burial" Cooper added, "and to leave Jackie's body alone there, maybe out in the open, for the crows."
BBC and CNN Television executives were either unavailable, astounded beyond words, or too lazy to comment.
- BBC News
- CNN Anderson Cooper Reports