UnNews:J.P. Morgan CEO goes hunting, world's most expensive bear gets killed
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J.P. Morgan CEO goes hunting, world's most expensive bear gets killed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 16:22:UTC)(
16 March 2008
WALL STREET, NEW YORK, New York -- J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon returned from a hunting holiday in Europe with a trove of over thirty animal carcasses. Amongst these fauna treasures is the prized polar bear of Germany, Knut, which Jamie mistook for game lost in the middle of the Berlin Zoo.
"This is a very stern situation based on an egregious error," said J.P. Morgan public relations officer Washington Irving, "We wish the situation wouldn't be so bad, and its implications on the world economy are not yet evident, but neither ourselves nor Germany are kidding around over this. This is an extremely stern situation."
A poll taken in Germany showed 99 percent of the population depressed over Knut's death, especially since many Germans had invested thousands of dollars in the Berlin Zoo, which had been extremely profitable during Knut's lifetime there. Tourism dollars earned by Knut kept Germany afloat, but without the bear, all of the investors are left in a vague economic limbo.
- Christopher Hank Hill "Germany to buy back bear, but still pretty pissed I tell you what". Propane and Propane Accessories Industries, March 16, 2008