UnNews:J.K. Rowling reveals title for Harry Potter 8!

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30 October 2010

Harry Potter and the Dead Horse

Leaked photo of Mary GrandPre's cover art for the final book.

SOME BIG FANCY HOTEL IN ENGLAND – in a surprise announcement today, J. K. Rowling revealed that there will be an eighth book in her popular Harry Potter series, contrary to her own prior claims, to be published under the title of Harry Potter and the Rise of The Dark Prince.

Fans all over the world were upset as anything today after realizing that all their sleepless hours and waiting in line to get "the last book" were in vain. "I stayed up til three in the morning at our stupid bookstore, and that was the pre-order line!" snapped one anonymous interviewee, a single mother of three who has since returned to the same store after her children tore apart the first copy. Others were worried about more practical issues. "If this one's $35, and there's 12 million copies..." mused a well-known economist. "Can you just imagine what the real final book would cost?" (NOTE: As a Public Service Announcement, UnNews urges all readers to purchase the book, regardless of price, as otherwise the still-homeless Rowling will be unable to afford her fourth second house.)

The plot of the book is so far unconfirmed, but UnNews's resident literary critic Homer Simpson; who graduated from Sunshine & Daisies Elementary School just this year – believes that Snape will have been working for Voldemort after all, and Harry will need to fight both his former teacher and a reincarnation of the Dark Lord, the latter of whom will literally be a voice inside the young wizard's head. However, he was surprisingly optimistic about the "stunningly original" plotline of the current book. "Tolkein and C.S. Lewis were just [copycats]," he claimed after finishing the illustrated Junior Edition of Lord of the Rings.

Because of the unintentional release of the seventh book over the Internet before the intended release date, extra security precautions have been taken for the new book: Every launch party will be guarded from start to end by a pack of Hell's Angels, and a specially-designed bomb has been embedded in every box from the publisher which causes it to explode if opened before the correct time. (This was a controversial move, as the timers are reportedly easy to hack and not correctly tuned for the new Daylight Savings Time, but a fan poll conducted on the publisher's Diebold voting machines indicated 100% support from all two registered voters.) Additionally, every computer in the publishing house has been upgraded to Windows Vista, the latest, easiest-to-use, and most completely secure version of the popular operating system, and all digital copies will be stored in a password-encrypted zip file, which is predicted to provide almost five minutes of additional security from savvy hackers with questionable taste in literature.

For those currently suffering from wicked hangovers after the events of last night, don't worry: Rowling has personally promised that the party for the real last book will be much, much worse. When requested for interview, she was unavailable for comment.

(NOTE: Kevin Francis of Yahoo answers, this is not true!!!.)

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