UnNews:Italian ship captain violates house arrest; abandons "sinking" house
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Italian ship captain violates house arrest; abandons "sinking" house
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 28, 2016, 12:23:UTC)(
30 January 2012
Rome, ITALY — Francesco Schettino, the Italian naval captain who sank and then abandoned the Costa Concordia cruise ship off of Giglio, Italy, may be facing additional legal charges. Authorities say Schettino violated his house arrest order today after he mistook a broken faucet in his home for a "hole spewing frigid seawater." The leak was first noticed by Schettino at 5:30 P.M., and it is believed that he had "accidentally" left his family behind and abandoned his home by no later than 5:31 P.M.
Upon his narrow escape, Schettino immediately contacted the Italian Coast Guard. The coast guard operator scolded Schettino for calling the coast guard instead of a plumber and for leaving his family behind, to which he explained that the force of his house's sinking had violently thrown him into the fetal position and thus prevented him from Googling "what to do during a sinking."
He is now accused of the additional charges of contempt of court and cowardice, although neither of these are as severe as the multiple counts of manslaughter he is already facing. Schettino’s attorney, Mario DeGotti, has suggested that they possess only one reasonable legal strategy: if DeGotti can convince the courts that his client is actually an attractive, female, American college student studying in Italy, then their client might end up sitting in jail for only four years before being convicted and then having said conviction overturned. However, if the courts determine that Schettino is actually a middle-aged Italian captain, he may end up having his right to habeaus corpus recognized, which could mean a swift trial and lengthy prison sentence.