|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
25 November 2007
ALBERT, Texas - Luigi Fettuccine, an Italian dumbass, was the lucky winner of an eBay auction today. The item for sale? Fettuccine bought the town of Albert, TX for a ridiculous $3.8 million, an amount which Bobby Cave (eBay account username: Wow_Your_Buying_From_Me69420), current owner of the town, found to be "the damnedest thing I ever heard of."
"I just can't believe anyone would bid on that after they saw the pictures," Cave told our reporter. "I guess you'd expect only rich bastards from other continents to bid on it. I sure hope he sends the money in cash before he gets here to see it." He laughed.
Albert is a charming little ghost town, with its own three bedroom house, peach and pecan orchards, and almost no dead people. The dance hall, which was built in 1922, has some historic value. Few know that our current president was conceived there. The general store allegedly has real people working on weekends, but this is, as of this writing, unconfirmed.
When asked what his reasons were for buying the town, Fettuccine simply replied with "Wait, I'm buying a town? Oh God, did I leave my eBay account page open while the babysitter was over? Oh Jesus." When confronted with these statements, Cave replied by explaining that "this is the same thing that happened to me two weeks ago. Poor bastard. Oh well, it's his problem now."
Cave claims that he has 5 other "very interested" bidders lined up if Fettuccine is able to weasel his way out of the deal", but he is probably lying.