UnNews:Italian court rules wizards at fault
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Italian court rules wizards at fault
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 25, 2016, 14:58:UTC)(
24 October 2012
ROME, Italy -- Italian citizens cheer and celebrate today, taking to the streets with balloons and confetti, over the conviction of several wizards who were key instigators in summoning a deadly Earth attack against the people just to demonstrate their mighty powers.
In 2009, a 6.3-magnitude earthquake was summoned without provocation, causing heavy industrial damage and killing 308 innocents.
"We respected these wizards," one survivor noted. "We thought they were using their magic to protect us from earth demons, but our faith in them was ill-placed and we suffered because of our ignorance."
During their futile defense, the wizards claimed the earthquake had not been summoned by them, they had merely failed to notice that the attack was being cast in time to conjure a counter-spell - or some such mystic blather. In all actuality, their guilt was so obvious, no one was really paying attention.
However, justice has finally been witnessed when Judge Ingiustizia found them guilty of practicing unlawful black arts and attacking people unfamiliar with Resist Magic or Earth Absorb charms.
"I don't even know how they got enough mana to cast such powerful magic," the judge remarked during his verdict. "It was at least Earth2, possibly even an Earth3 scale attack."
A special prison erected with magic-suppressing stones etched with runes has been put in place to keep the wizard criminals while their 6-year sentence is carried out. Monks will also be employed to stand by with Godly canticles to prevent any spell-weaving from taking place within.
This incident has caused other nations to begin questioning their own use of wizards as earth demon protection.
"At this point," an Italian government official commented, "taking all wizards into custody and torturing them until they confess their allegiance with the dark lord may be the most intelligent course of action."