UnNews:It's the real King Dick: skeleton confirmed as England's missing monarch

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It's the real King Dick: skeleton confirmed as England's missing monarch

Democracy Dies with Dignity

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Thursday, March 22, 2018, 16:05:59 (UTC)

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4 February 2013


What took you so long to find me?

LEICESTER, United Kingdom --

It's official: the twisted bag of bones found in a hole in a council car park is King Richard III, killed at the Battle of Bosworth in 1485 and then left discarded in a recycle bin for 500 years.

Professor Stig Digger from Leicester University confirmed the findings at a packed press conference. With him were other academics, experts in everything except wearing anything remotely fashionable for the last 30 years.

"This is a great day for Leicester University (please send funding) and the city (please send tourists). We have found the crippled bastard! No doubt about it, we have old Dick's battered bones...and we will be putting them on display (entry price £25.00.) - and that will mean me getting on television a lot more. All thanks to Dickie!"

Using DNA extracted from Richard's bones, the experts found a match with a number of living descendants. They also confirmed that Richard walked around with a permanent hump and that if he hadn't killed his way to the top, he would have made a matching pair with Quasidmodo. Richard's bones showed deep cut marks and missing feet which suggested he was chewed on by hungry locals before the naked corpse was tipped into a bin left in a council car park. Richard's missing horse hasn't been found but the chronicles of time record that Ye Olde Tesco were running a special offer on 'Royal English Roast Beef' on the day of the battle which may explain the missing nag's disappearance.

Professor Digger added: "It seems Shakespeare was right after all: Richard was a disfigured dwarf with a persecution complex. An amazing historical find and now I am off to America to spread the news and bring in some foreign students. Leicester has a wonderful cuisine if you like exotic spicy food...don't forget to quote me on that!"

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